Past few weeks struggles

There's been a lot of drama in my friend group the past couple of weeks. In general terms, one friend has a few problems and everyone else has gotten pretty annoyed. It's died down thank goodness.

The drama itself hasn't been keeping me up late at night, it was how I thought people were going to react. The major thing that keeps my mind busy is knowing that my best friend is going to be leaving at the end of the semester.

I don't know how we got this close. I have a history of not getting close to people because it hurts too much when they inevitably leave. I'm always left alone, broken to put the pieces back together.

I think it was my first year seminar that made me open up and be willing to be close to people. I wrote a quick write about a major influence in my life. I picked hearing the story of how love shouldn't be a secret. I slowly became closer friends with her only to find out that she's leaving. Instead of distancing myself, I've decided to become as close to her as I possibly can. It's gonna kill me when she leaves. I'm glad that I met her.

I know that keeping in touch isn't as hard as it used to be, but it won't be the same.

Getting to know her is the best thing that I've done in my first semester of college. I've learned facts about the world, things about myself, and life lessons. I'm going to cherish this time for the rest of my life. Just saying :)

College life improvements

I've only been a college student for a few months and I've decided that I really like it. It seems kind of silly that I was so worried about coming up here. It was a huge transition and most kids in my position would be nervous, but I've met some of the best people in my life up here!

I think that some of my friends are only friends for now while I'm still at UMPI, but I know that a few of them are going to be life long friends.

We've grown pretty close over the past few months. A few of us have been to the ER via Sabrina, a.k.a. the Grimm Reaper. She's been super understanding about taking people places because she's one of the few that actually has a car on campus.

We celebrated Halloween last week. There was a dance and everyone dresses up in a costume. We all looked awesome, and I felt awesome! I've lost a lot of weight since coming up here so I've gained some confidence. It was an amazing feeling to be free of all the negativity, mostly from me. I felt awesome and looked hot.

I've also been learning how to become an individual. I have a lot of work to do, but I'm very different from who I used to be. I can make friends, talk to strangers, and do things for myself.

I'm still learning who I am. I guess that I thought I would discover new things about myself and learn who I am right of the back, but I still couldn't tell you who I am as a person. Ralph, the campus counselor, said that I'm too hard in myself. I've heard that many times before but it's only now starting to sink in. I'm worthy of more than I give myself credit for. I've also done more than I give myself credit for.

I came to UMPI as a newly diagnosed diabetic. Since then I have learned to take care of myself causing weight loss. Every day I grow up and learn a little bit more. Just saying! :)

New experiences

It's been rough adjusting to the college life. In my last post, I mentioned the likely possibility that of going home next semester. I'm not sure how I feel about that now because I've made some really amazing friends! We've only been together for about two weeks, but it's different than high school friends. We all seem very close. I have the suspicion that the reason for that may have to do with the fact that we're actually living together, which is actually kind of awesome!

One of my new friends, Kassidie, has a birthday today! We're celebrating it later, and I love it! Her and Laksmis have been trying so hard to make me feel involved and more social. I don't know how I can thank them enough!

I did my laundry here for the first time yesterday. I felt really adult about it. I figured out how to use the washer and dryer here, you have to pay and push certain buttons. It was actually a pretty cool experience. I'm glad that I get to try new things.

I started changing the way that I eat about a week before I came here. I was actually diagnosed as a diabetic so it wasn't a choice. I haven't told many people because I find it really embarrassing! I'm 19 and I have to take meds to help my pancreas and I have to turn my world upside down! It's been really hard going through this because it feels like I can't eat anything that I want without feeling guilty. The silver lining here though is that I'm losing so much weight! None of my clothes fit anymore so I'll probably get a new wardrobe when I go back home in October with Kayla!

I'm so excited to see her! We've never been apart this long! We talk everyday, which is awesome, but I miss actually being able to talk to her in person. I'm glad that she tries to understand how I feel. Even though we're apart, I think that our relationship is getting stronger! "I feel like she's opening up to me more, and obviously I'm opening up to her.

In the end, I'm happy that I came here, even though the food sucks! The people are super nice and they totally appreciate my weirdness and my Snapchat weirdness! That was never fully appreciated at home by anyone other than Kayla. Just saying! :)

(Don't mind the horrendous picture of me!)

The college life...so far

I've only been in Presque Isle for a little over a week, and it's super stressful. It's not that it's a lot of work, but being an adult.

I like to define my position in life right now as an adult in progress. Since I was adopted, I've been taken care of. It's been weird being on campus without any of my family. I really miss them and everything.

It's safe to say that I've been adjusting to this life: showering in the same room as other girls, sharing a room again, being in control of getting my own food and cutting up my own meat, and doing my own work. I've been keeping in contact with my family, but it's still been very different. I know that I've only been here for a little over a week, but right now I don't think that I'll be coming back for another semester.

I might change my mind. Id talking to my mom and she made it clear that it's okay if I change my mind and end up wanting to stay up here, but right now I don't feel like I'm going to want to.

It was awesome seeing my mom and sister today. We went out to lunch at Ruby Tuesday. We talked a lot and just hung out. I think that's one of the biggest things I miss, having conversations in person with my family.

I think that my favorite part of the day was when my mom told me that I need to eat more because I'm withering away. I told her that it's the food here. I eat a lot less food and more healthy stuff. She brought me a giant thing of man n cheese and then bought me for boxes of granola bars!

Overall, I had a wonderful day with my mom and sister! Just saying! :)

Am I ready?

Presque Isle is about two and a half weeks away now and I'm starting to second guess my decision. There are times that I feel like I don't want to go because I feel so loved and cared about, but then there are way more days that I feel ignored or hated. I'm sure that no one intends to be like that, but it just kind of sucks to be in my position lately.

I went to the last visit for a while. It was mostly two hours of awkward silence. I was cranky and didn't know what to say. The crackasourus ho mostly talked to her friend about how much they drank the night before. Do I seem like I want to hear about that? I don't know why. but I guess that I started to think that she was taking care of herself. She divorced Tim and moved out, so why would she continue with the drugs and alcohol? I wish that I didn't care. After she left. Kevin came.

Kevin tries to come every month, but that doesn't always work out well. We talked for hours! I wish that we could do that more often because it was really nice being able to have a whole conversation with someone that is actively participating. People tend to stop talking to me half way through the conversation. After we had our visit, I gave him a ride home. His car broke and he doesn't have the money to get a new one. It breaks my heart to hear about the situation that he's in. He lost his kid, doesn't have a car, and has a minimum wage job. I wish that there was something I could do to help him out. If I become as successful as I plan to be, I'll do whatever I can to help him. He plans on going back to New Hampshire in five to ten years. That's what he calls home. It's the last place that we were all together, dad was still alive, and we were happy. Things just went downhill from there.

The past few days have been pretty crappy. I don't know if it's because I was cranky from lack of sleep, if I was being overly sensitive, or if everyone was being mean to me, but the only time I was happy was when I was with Kevin. No one has said anything nice to me, I haven't been super nice either, and everyone has been cranky. Pops recently lost his job so he has an excuse, but it all seems a little extreme.

When everyone is cranky, it makes me excited to go away. If the topic comes up, they say that they'll miss me and it will be hard for them, and that makes me sad to leave. It's when I feel most loved. Then they make the conversation about Emily coming back to Maine to live and I'm like, "I'm excited to leave now. I can't stand her." We used to get along, but not anymore. Her last visit didn't go so well between us. She was extra mean and I don't want to be around that. She's coming back sometime after I leave.

With my emotions changing from excitement to nervousness to vague regret of my decision, I'm not sure if I'm really ready to go. I've never been on my own. I've been treated like a child my whole life and now I'm becoming an adult really quickly. I may have been a responsible child but I was still a child. I don't know how I should feel.

Everything will work out okay so I guess that it's pointless to worry about it, but I don't think that I can. I was born to worry. Hope things will be good for me while I'm becoming an adult. Just Saying.

Beginning of another mental breakdown?

It was a very emotional day today because one of my best friends moved an hour and a half away: Brittany. I went over to her house to say goodbye and help her with whatever she needed. It was one of the last times the squad will be together this summer. We plan on going to the movies and out to lunch sometime before I leave and college for everyone else starts.

Jordan ended up going to Brittany's house to say goodbye too. We took some pictures to remember this summer by. I'm very upset that Brittany decided to leave because we have become very good friends and have amazing weekly beach dates. That can't happen anymore. :'( I'm not sure what to do without her.

She said that she's going to come home in a few weeks to get the rest of her stuff, that's probably when we'll have our next date. Now we're friends on Skype so we can video chat and snapchat and stalk each other on social media. Things wont be the same, but I plan on keeping our friendship. She means more to me than anyone else right now, excluding the few people that I actually talk to because they're all on the same level.

I talked to my mom a little bit about Brittany moving, or at least I tried to. She told me that sense my only friend moved away, I have to make new friends. I know that statement is mostly true. That's why I told her that I know and that's why I'm going away. I'm tired of the people around here and the ones that I've met, I don't care for. She said that I don't know everyone at Husson or Orono. It was her way of trying to convince me to stay here instead of going to UMPI.

I'm used to her saying little things like that, but she's becoming more aggressive about it. I get that she doesn't want me to go away because I help out with driving Kayla and making dinner and stuff, but I don't understand why she's being so rude about it. My mind is set on going away. I can't handle everyone's attitude these days; It's becoming ridiculous. Just about everything I say pisses someone off, or they already have an attitude so they bitch at me. I'm not a punching bag. I may be round like one, but I have heart deep down. They need to get over it. I'm leaving and it's official.

I wish that Brittany or someone, anyone, was here to confide in right now. Just saying.

Imma miss my best friend

Yesterday, I went to the beach with Kayla. It was only for a couple hours and no one else wanted to come, but it was really nice. She actually talked to me for awhile. We had had legit conversations. During one of our conversations, about me going away, she let it slip that she was going to miss me and that I'm her best friend. She's my best friend too. We've been through so much together that it's no surprise that we're always going to be close.

It's sad that we wont be together, but I think that we both need to find out who we are without each other. I've always had her so it's natural that I've become attached to her. I just feel like we're a little too close now. I don't know who I am without her, and I don't like that kind of dependency on someone.

I'm glad that she's opening up to me more. This should be a time to spend with friends and family. I spend most of my time with Kayla because no one else really wants to talk to me. The only way that a conversation, let alone actually doing something, will happen is if I initiate it. I have to start the conversation or ask what people want to do. I want to hang out with everyone, but they don't seem to want to hang out with me.

I hope that the people I'm going to be friends with at UMPI aren't like this. It would be nice to feel like people actually want to talk to me. I don't think that my so called friends are going to miss me while I'm gone. At least I'll come home to my best friend for the holidays. I'm glad that I wasn't an only child. Just saying.

Apparently I was wrong

The Bay Festival was yesterday. I've spent the past few years spending the day of the Bay Festival with Caity, but since we're not great friends anymore, we didn't do the same thing. I spent most of the day with Caitlyn. I watched the parade with my parents and Sarah. It was really nice spending time with them. I hung out with Jordan a little bit, but not that much. She was with Dakota the whole time.

I kind of feel like I don't have friends anymore. No one really talks to me anymore. No one seems to be putting any effort in to the friendships we used to have. It's like the philosophy is if I don't put the effort in, then we wont talk or do anything. It's getting to be really frustrating. I thought that I had the best friends in the world and that we would stay friends for a very long time, but I guess I was wrong.

I was just downstairs having a bowl of ice cream, and I couldn't help but think about how different everything is now than just a few months ago: I basically have no friends, the only person I talk to feels like a stalker because he s to talk to me every waking moment, my family barely talks to me, and my dog hates me. People were always saying that things would change after graduation, like your friends, but I though that I had more time before things came to this.

I'm getting more scared everyday as college approaches. It's not just that I'm going to be alone, but what if people there don't like me either? When I tell the few people that actually talk to me that people don't like me, they seem surprised. I don't know if it is my attitude or something else, but it's a very real possibility that I wont be liked there either. It's obvious due to the lack of communication from my former friends that I wasn't as well liked as I thought. I just hope that things will be different.

Just saying.

Again with being depressed

There wasn't anything particularly worse today than others, but I just feel down today. I think that going away in a month is beginning to change how I look at things.

It started this morning when I got mad at my sister. It was stupid but it made me excited to leave. We've been together since the womb. Whenever someone finds out that we're going to different colleges, they ask if it's going to be weird or if we'll miss each other, Every time I say that I'm excited to be separated and I wont miss her that much because we barely talk as it is. I know that I'm going to miss her but at least I can be known as me. Hopefully people will actually talk to me when I talk to them and it wont be like talking to a brick wall.

My parents have been emotional lately. My dad has been angry and my mom has been off and on angry and bipolar emotions. They're just stressed and overwhelmed. I understand that but they keep taking it out on me. My mom has to go to court in a couple of weeks to testify against Ben and Ana, one of Ben's baby mamas. They haven't really noticed me in a while. They know that I'm there, but they don't see me. I don't know if I'm getting the point across but that's how it seems. I'm physically present and they can see that but they don't see the person inside I guess.

Today my mom asked me if I was okay. She usually only asks when I'm not okay and I make it obvious and I'm discretely asking for attention. I wasn't doing that today. She said that I look depressed. They tell me that all the time so it isn't anything new for me to hear. I wouldn't go as far as saying that I'm depressed, but I have been a little out of it lately. I can't stop thinking. I'm scared to go away because of the things that I'm going to miss and I guess that I don't know how to deal with it.

I feel kind of disconnected from the world. I talk more to myself than I do to other people because everyone else has lives. I feel like no one else feels the same as me even though I bet a lot of people feel similar to me. It feels like no one really cares about me right now because they all have their own dramatic lives to deal with.

Life will go on no matter what I do. I need to start by being happy and learning to accept the choices that I have made. Just saying.

Alone

Today was a pretty good day. I went to the movies with Kayla and Lilly; we saw Train Wreck. The movie was hilarious. It seemed so... different, but similar at the same time. There are a lot of romance movies for people to see, some are good and some aren't. What made this one so good I think is that it was more honest than some others. I'm not saying that all women sleep around until they think that they found the one or that they make big romantic gestures. The characters seemed easy to relate to and more realistic.

After the movie we went shopping and out to dinner. I just felt so alive today! Lately, I just feel like an object in a room. I'm there if someone needs something but my needs are irrelevant. I don't feel like I'm part of something anymore. Most of my friends don't talk to me anymore, most of my family doesn't talk to me, and I don't have much to do. Also, when my friends actually talk to me, I'm expected to keep the conversation going and to initiate the conversation. I may as well just talk to myself.

The only person that tells me how it is, or talks to me in general, is Lilly. She tells me what to expect in college for starters. When other people talk to me about it, it's just saying that it's amazing that I'm going and that I'm going to love it. Lilly told me some secrets to making it through. My parents don't talk to me in general let alone about what to expect. Sometimes my mom will make a comment about how I should transfer Orono to be closer. I don't think that she understands why I want to go so far away. She was different when she was my age, she went to college close to home.

It seems like the closer to the day that I have to be up there, August 27, the less she talks to me. She claims that she's going to miss me yet she ignores me. Doesn't she know that I'm more terrified to go, every day? I've gotten too comfortable here. I'm scared to leave. I used to be prepared to leave. When I was younger, I had a bag packed so I would be ready to leave any moment. I probably didn't stop that until the end of middle school. At one point, I was saving my money so I could leave. I'm not sure why I wanted to run away because life here is way better than other places I've been.

Now that the time has come to actually leave, I'm not sure that I'm ready. Sure I'm excited to be away and grow as an individual, but I'm going to be on my own. Sometimes I may feel like I'm on my own, but I know that they've always been there if I was willing to let them in, but I'm really going to be on my own.

I'm not sure that I'm ready but I better prepare myself. I should talk to Lilly more because no one else will tell it how it really is. Just saying.

A great day with Lilly

Yesterday after the visit with the Egg Donor, I found out that my mom ordered my laptop. It's my birthday and graduation present. She was told by my sister that I have been complaining about not having it yet, which is a lie. I only mentioned that it would be nice to have it like three times, and I wasn't lying. It's easier to do some things on a computer rather than a phone.

My computer came in today. I don't know exactly what it is, but it's a tablet that connects to a keyboard. It's about the same size as the school laptops but it works way better!

The topic this evening is nails. Lilly went to the visit yesterday, which was awesome because I don't get to see her very often. We celebrated my birthday because we didn't have a visit last month. Her gifts are getting better, not that they could get much worse. when Kayla, Lilly, and me were leaving, I asked her when I was going to paint her nails. Whenever she comes home from college, she asks me to paint her nails. She likes my nail art skills. I went to her house right after.

We hung out for a few hours. I painted her toenails first, a soft pink with black zebra stripes, and then her fingernails, rainbow French tips. We talked about a lot including her and Zak. They are so cute! I hope to have a relationship like theirs some day. I only met Zak once, at my birthday/graduation party, and he knew it was me from a picture Lilly took of me painting her nails. I was very impressed and pleased that he knew it was me and not Kayla. I guess that he worked hard on remembering everyone's names. He seems really nice and he makes Lilly so happy. They spoil each other too.

After we were done with nails, we went to go pick up a cake Lilly had ordered for Zak's birthday. It was yellow with a batman symbol and said happy birthday. I thought it was super cute! When we got back to her house, I had to go home because she had to go pick Zak up from work.

While we were in the car on the way to get the cake, she talked to me about college and stuff that big sisters tell their little sisters. No one has sat down with me and told me what to expect from college. I kinda feel like I'm going in blind because no one has talked to me about it. All I really have to go off of is TV, and everyone knows that isn't 100% accurate. At this point I feel like she's the only one that's trying to prepare me.

On the upside, I'm financially covered for my first year. Today I received a check in the mail for $500, it was a grant. My parents were very proud of me. My mom said that she was proud of me for getting it. I simply replied, "Why? You're the one that filled out all the scholarship stuff. All I did was the hard work to be eligible for all of the scholarships." She agreed with me and thought it was kind of funny. She's starting to think more of my jokes are actually funny. I've always been funny, she's just too busy to actually listen to me sometimes. Maybe she''ll miss me afterall. Just saying. :)

Spring cleaning in July

Some people, so I hear, find me intimidating because I have my stuff together. The only reason I appear that was is the facade that I've created. The goal of the facade is to make people view me as confident, organized, smart, and nice...sometimes. I achieved that and more, especially this past year, thanks to my planner, friends, teachers, and determination to succeed at everything I do.

I like having structure in my life. I actually liked getting up early for school and doing some extra work in the morning and not stop until it was time for bed. Apparently that makes me weird because I liked the school work from dusk to dawn: it's what kept me sane.

I haven't made a schedule for my summer so I've kind of let myself go. I wake up at 10 Monday through Friday and watch Netflix nearly every waking moment. I should make a change to read everyday for at least an hour. I've made sure to actually go outside this summer. I make a point to go to the beach a minimum of once a week. This has been my organization for my summer days.

I don't remember what I was doing, but a few days ago, maybe a week, I was so angry and went to my room. I started thinking about who I wanted to talk to to hopefully work through it when I realized, I have no one to talk to anymore. Most of the people I was friends with during school don't talk to me anymore, I tried talking to them and they don't respond to me, and the ones that I still talk to have guys in their lives so they're too busy to talk to me. I remember thinking to myself, "I need to clean up my life." Then I looked around and thought, "I need to clean up my room!"

I haven't cleaned my room in four years. My room had a new floor put in, new closet, and the walls were painted in my with grade year. It was clean when I moved in and never looked like that again.

I believe I started cleaning on Wednesday and cleaned for hours each day. I threw away things I don't use anymore, boxes from Christmas, clothes I haven't worn in over a year, broken shoes, and a ton of papers. It's sad to say that I still have hoarding tendencies. I blame my lack of childhood and the deprivation of emotional attachments to people or things. After everything was thrown out, I organized what was left. My clothes are folded, shoes displayed, and bed is made. I swept and washed the floors too! It smells like clementines because of the cleaning stuff. :)

I went through my backpack from school. On the last day I threw everything in my locker into it and called it good. I threw out papers from math, chemistry, some from psychology. I kept all of my psychology notes and English papers. I feel like I did so much in English and improved my skills more than I thought I ever would. I'm almost proud of myself for the growth (that's probably the closest I've come to giving myself a compliment that didn't have to do with my attitude in years. That's sad but filled with true feelings).

What's really sad is that the real reason I cleaned my room is because I'm leaving for UMPI next month and I don't know who's going to see my room when I'm gone. They all have poor opinions of me anyways but why make it worse? Now I can feel better about it. They'll find something to criticize, but I don't really care because I worked really hard on it. It's so clean that it doesn't even feel like my room anymore; I feel like a guest.

Just because I used a semicolon, I have to mention this. I was downstairs on the couch this morning, curled up in a ball under my blanket even though it was 80° in there, when I saw there were two red marks on my wrist. One was circular and the other was the same but with a tail. It literally looked like a semicolon. It wouldn't be so cool to me if I hadn't mentioned the semicolon tattoo that seems to have become a thing when Kayla and me went to the beach on Thursday. I never looked up what people were intending for the semicolon's symbolic meaning, but I thought it was a cool idea.

From my understanding I guess that it's meant for people with mental disorders to symbolize that they're going through rough stuff everyday and keep continuing like a semicolon continues a sentence. If I were to get a tattoo, I think I would something a semicolon but with a different meaning. I've gone through so much, overcome obstacles most people can't even dream of, undergone multiple types of abuse for years, but I still am looking forward to the future. I still overcome the obstacles that try to stop me. I was strong, determined, brave when many people in my position would have coward in the corner. No child should have seen or gone through the things I did, but kept fighting for better times. I'm not sure if a semicolon could symbolize all of that, but I'm open for ideas. I think I might get a tattoo sometime later in life to symbolize all of that. Just saying.

Am I that simple?

Lately it feels like all people think about when they see me is boobs. It's not just weirdos, but my friends and family too!

I have a few different social media sites. Facebook is for my family and friends and others are to let me feel free to be myself without worrying what other people think. I try not to say certain things on Facebook like my "dirty laundry." I guess my blog is my clothesline (I think I'm funny). On the other sites, I get messages saying I'm cute and beautiful and compliments like that. It feels nice to get the attention because I'm not getting it anywhere else. When people view my profile and then message me, they just want to know my bra size of want me to hook up with them. I can't help the fact that I grew the way that I did. Just because I have this body doesn't mean that all I want is sex.

Now to the friends and family rant. It's not uncommon in my house or group of friends to talk about my boobs. "They're abnormally large for my body" and "are the first thing to enter a room for twenty minutes. Then the rest of me enters." There are also a variety of nicknames: watermelons, pumpkin tits, the mayor of Dolly Parton town. This is an everyday kind of thing.

Today, the talk went a little too far, or I'm just over thinking it. Either option is a possibility. I was told that I had the body and boobs to work at Hooters. I took it as that's all I'm good for: boobs. I don't have the brain to do anything with my life. I'm sure it wasn't intended like that, but that's how people make me feel lately. It seems like all anyone wants to do is make me feel like an idiot. I'd love to sit around and cry about it but what's the use? Not only would no one know, but that won't help me at all. I'm just going to have to prove them wrong.

The picture makes me feel good every time I read it. It gives me hope. Just saying. :)

More than just another day

I woke up at the crack of dawn (seven) this morning to get ready to go to camp for the day. I showered and made breakfast, blueberry pancakes.

I met Jordan at Irving in town and followed her to her camp. It was a cute little yellow building eight on the water. Mostly the four of us girls (Jordan, Brittany, Kayla, and me) sat around the fire sharing gossip. My life seems like a soap opera, so I shared everything that's happened this past week.

I caught someone in a lie but I guess I won't say who directly. I was planning on going to the beach yesterday like we've been planning but everyone seemed to have plans, boyfriends and family. I went to see Magic Mike XXL instead. I'm so glad that I did because it was amazing! The final seen was orgasmic! Channing moving like that, whoo, I wish he was mine. :D

Anyways, that lie. One of the people said that she was couldn't go because family was coming over and their mother wanted them home. Well today, they said that they had spent day and night with her boyfriend. I wanted to say, "you were with him? I thought you had to be with your family yesterday," but I didn't touch the subject t. I'm leaving next month and there's no reason to make even more people angry with me.

I don't know what it is but these past couple days have been hard. It could be the heat or all the stress and anxiety or anuthing else. I've been having trouble breathing sporadically during the day. When this happens, my heart starts to pound so hard that I can't stand up or move in general. It takes a few minutes to get under control and then I'm dizzy and feel am so close to falling with every step. My knees keep giving out and I fall into doorways. I think that it's my emotions finally catching up with me. I've been so busy lately that I don't relax much anymore and I haven't really coped with anything that has happened, is happening, or will happen.

I feel a little awkward trying to talk to any of my friends about it because they barely listen to me anyways but they think I'm a  hypochondriac. My parents are too busy preparing for the social worker that's coming tomorrow. They would also just say that it's in my head or something.

I think that for now all I should do is try to relax and deal with everything that's going on. If it gets worse I'll say something. Just saying.

When did i give birth?

I think that's it's clear by this point that I do not like babies: at all. They smell and are way to rambunctious. I could make a list but it would take too long. Babies and kids love me, I don't know why but they do.

This is the first weekend that Ben hasn't been here and my parents, only God knows why, still had the other babies come over. Three kids and two adults. This seems fine except that my dad works the nights and they're always busy.

All day today, one of them has attached herself to me like I'm her property. It all started when I said that she could do next to me which continued throughout the day without a renewed invitation. I could cope for a little while but it gets tiring.

From that kind act of sitting with her, the most kindness she's received from me for her while existence, apparently meant that I would watch all three of them! I don't have, nor do I plan on anytime soon or at all, a baby, so why am I watching them? I'm as single as they come, so I hope I don't any kids of my own. If I don't like them and have never watched one before, what makes me qualified to watch them? I cringe and run away if they start to cry. I personally don't see what about that makes anyone want me around their children.

I wasn't asked to watch them, it was just an expectation. That may be normal for the average family, but I don't deal with them. I take care of myself as best I can. I think I'm on the line of survivor mode. I used to just worry about myself because no one else would, and I haven't fully left that mode. I'm working on it.

I'm a little angry that I had to watch them. I'll get over it because I know that it's hard on my parents that Ben isn't here, an that's partially my fault for letting them know what he was up to, and one kid is annoying... I mean hard enough to take care of let alone three. I hope I can escape them next weekend. Just saying.

The picture is old but it's the only picture I could find that was blog worthy.

And the soap opera continues

This while week has been kind of crazy: Ben and the drugs, rude phone calls, reconnecting with an old friend, and a beach day. That's a bit out of order but the point is still there. Crazy week. I guess I'll start from the beginning.

Monday:
It was my mom's birthday so I didn't do much. It was the day after Ben was kicked out so I thought it would be rather miserable, but it was quite pleasant. My parents left to go grocery shopping. I watched TV all day like what I perceive to be the average teenager. I found out that Ben can come take his kid anytime he wants because he legally has custody: he hasn't come so far.

I saw a post on Facebook that made me so curious that I had to reach out. It said that my former best friend, Caity, was engaged to her boyfriend. I messaged her to see weather or not the post was real or just a new title to symbolize the next stage of their relationship: it was legit. From that one question sprouted a whole conversation that lasted for hours.

Tuesday:
It was another beach day with Kayla and Brittany. On the way to pick Brittany up, I got a message from Caity inviting me over to her house on Wednesday; I accepted it. We were at the beach for a long time. I was almost hit in the head by a like because a child was handling a fishing net without proper parental supervision. I saw Caity's aunt Mandy there with her kids and a couple extras. I sat with her for a while and talked about the engagement between Caity and Leif. It got interesting but I cannot reveal the specifics.

Wednesday:
I went over to Caity's. We watched some TV, talked a lot, and played some badminton. The game was really intense considering I haven't played since middle school and I'm very out of shape. I'm glad that I started talking to her again. I'm not sure how our relationship will end up, but I'm hoping it goes well.

That night I learned that Ben has texted my mom. He claimed to have hit rock bottom and wanted to come back and have things the way that they were before. If he hit rock bottom, isn't that an admission of guilt for doing drugs? Whatever he intended by that, his text was not replied to.

Thursday/today:
Today was more relaxed. I waited for the mail until three, it didn't come, and then I went to the bank. I came home and the mail still hadn't come. It eventually arrived around 3:40 which is ridiculous. The checks that I had been waiting for came. It's safe to say that I was pretty angry with the mail system.

Later, I found out that Ben had texted and called my mom. He thinks his kids are being taken away for him even though he hasn't asked for his kid. I also learned that he was rumored to have been staying with a convicted sex felon. He was caught shooting up, heroin is his drug of choice, and wasn't kicked out for that. He was caught trying to steal a safe with his girlfriend/fiance. They're troublemakers. They're worse than children!

Future:
The 4th of July is coming up and I'm not sure how I feel about it. In the past it's been one of the more awkward holidays. I'm not sure why, but it just is. I'm excited to see some of them though, I could certainly do without the kids my mom is is bringing. As if I want to see them in general, let alone on holidays. I see them every weekend and do my best to make plans so I don't have to because all they do is cry and smell.

I hope it's a good one. Just saying!

Fear

It's 1:34 in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm exhausted but I'm too scared to sleep right now.

My fear right now has manifested itself info vaguely irrational fears: my feet can't hang out from under the blanket because spiders or bugs could come to kill me, my electronics are on so there's some light to eliminate the darkness because shadows are people creeping, and there are things lurking in the corners. I don't usually feel like this, not for a few years at least, so I'm pretty sure that there's something else going on here.

I've only taken a high school psychology class so I'm not the best one to diagnose myself. The last time that I felt like this was around the time I was adopted. I was having supervised visits with the Egg Donor and she always had to get rides with her husband. I saw him in the parking lot twice a week. Just the sight of him made me scared because of all the things he did while we lived in the same trailer.

I remember not being able to go outside by myself, day and night, and always looking over my shoulder. I was even scared that he would come to my school and make us have a real lockdown. I know that it sounds silly to anyone who hasn't been through that, but I was scared for my life. I haven't been able to look out a window at night since I was seven because of the paedophile. Basically, I had too many fears for a girl my age. I'm not sure when I started to feel comfortable again. I think it was probably shortly before high school.

I ratted Tim out for the things he did like I lead to the conviction of Ben's wrong doings. I would assume that he's mad at me for getting him kicked out again, I honestly wouldn't blame him. He lost his child like Tim lost three victims to his torture. Rationally, I don't think Ben will come after me, but every time a car goes by sending a little light through my window, the shadows move and I automatically think it's him or someone else to hurt me.

I'm always scared of being hurt, physically and mentally, but this just feels so amplified. I see shapes all around from my curtains and piled laundry and hanging dresses and I just tense up.

Am I being ridiculous feeling so scared? Did I ever stop? I feel very alone right now. My dog is my security for the night. I hope he can handle it for the next couple months.

It's 2:02 now, i guess i should try to sleep now. Just saying.

Feelings unknown

He's gone. He was kicked out of the house yet again for doing drugs and stealing.

I know that I should feel angry and betrayed, i do don't get me wrong, but I pity him more than anything. He appeared to be doing pretty good. He was sober, supposedly for over a year, and was taking care of one of his kids. He had a job and a girlfriend. I don't know when it all started to go bad again. I never fully trusted him, but I was shocked when I learned about this. I was more surprised than angry.

How bad do things have to get before he cleans up for good? He quit his job because there were drugs there. He did the right thing! That was approximately a month or so ago. Did he start using recently? He has another child on the way. He seemed to be happy about it.

What's going to happen now? I assume the child he had custody over will stay at my house, thank God I'm leaving in a few months, but what's he going to do? I shouldn't worry about it, but I'm curious. To my knowledge, he doesn't have any friends unless he really is using again. I hope that one day he will clean himself up for good; if not for himself, than for his kids. They deserve a father and he isn't giving it to them.

How did we get here? From the beginning of my life here was happy. We had family photos and traditions and now it's just my parents upset that he hasn't changed for good.

I hope that they don't blame me. If I asked, I know that they would say that they didn't, but why wouldn't they? They still love him and every time tat he leaves or gets kicked out, it's because of me. He does something stupid like stealing from me and I have to tell them. I wish I knew how they felt, that they could be honest about it without worrying about hurting my feelings.

I'm pretty sure that his girlfriend is mad at me. I feel really bad about them being kicked out because I really liked her. I know that it's not my fault, but I feel like bad things are prone to happen around me. It seems like they always are. :( I gotta keep moving on though. Maybe one day more good things than bad will revolve around my mini universe that revolves around me.

Just saying.

Comfort

I don't even know how to start. I guess I'll start with a flashback.

It was years ago, five or six years I think, when it really began. I was in middle school, sixth grade to with seventh I believe, when small objects started to go missing. It started with Theresa's zoon, some music player, and escalated far too quickly. IPods, money, and anything around the house. After a while, the verdict was that I was taking it all. I'm not sure what I was doing with it, but I was at fault.

My motive was said to be to make things like they were back in Lagrange. I didn't admit to it because I was innocent, but for years I was the enemy. All trust had been lost. No one trusted me and I didn't trust anyone. Even my sisters began to suspect me. I thought that they would at least have my back.I was alone in the world. After years of false accusations, everyone realized that I was framed. Someone else had done it all so they could pawn objects for their drug money.

After rehab and too many chances, he came back into my life: into my home. It's been seven months and all has seemed to be going well. We are civil to one another, but I will never forgive him for what he did. He damaged me more than I already was.

I went to the beach today with Kayla and Brittany, super fun, and was on my way to McDonald's for some dinner. That's when it was realized. $220 was stolen from my wallet, approximately the same amount from Kayla's. I don't just jump to conclusions usually, but he is the only likely suspect. The car doors are locked at all times except when I'm home. It went missing sometime between Thursday night and today. Who's had access and motive? The heroin addict. He randomly came into some money. Guilty? I know yes. How can he just steal like that? We're supposed to be family! Legally he's my brother and he can do all that to me! I wish I could understand.

I know that I have trust issues and have trouble letting people in, but that's because things like this always happen to me! It's when I get comfortable with everything that something happens to ruin it all again. Life was good. I had money, I have the opportunity to hang out with my friends anytime, I have a car, I'm healthy, and I graduated from high school. I'm going to college. I come from a crappy childhood and have made a success of myself. Why wouldn't I be comfortable? It's when I let my guard down. That's why I have the attitude and don't trust people. I don't want to get too close because things have a tendency to be ripped away from me.

One day I hope that I can be comfortable and not feel the need to worry all the time about things like this happening to me. Maybe when he's gone, hopefully tomorrow, I can begin my journey to succeed that goal. Just saying.

About time!

I heard a little bit about gay marriage legalization today. Apparently the Supreme Court just voted to make same sex marriage legal in all 50 states.

Some people were thrilled about it while others ranted about how it shouldn't have happened. I may be biased because a few of my friends and family members are gay or bisexual, but I think this is rather ridiculous. It's in the declaration that all men are equals. Personally I think it should be people but a rant for another day. We've had a civil war to create a society accepting if different races and to abolish slavery. Women have had rights to vote and have the same jobs as men do. Equality has been a worked towards for so many years, centuries even, and same sex marriage is just being legalized?

Why do people think they should have a say in how people choose to live their lives if they're not hurting anyone? I don't understand why people think same sex marriage is such a big deal. They're people that just happen to love other people of the same sex and want to live their lives in peace. Where's the problem?

I've heard people say that it's wrong from the view of their religion. If you think it's wrong, don't participate it. Treat them as you would other people, but don't have a friendship. Just because someone else is gay doesn't mean that you can't like the person they are.

Marriage is marriage whether it's a man and a woman, two women, two men, or any other combination I don't know of. Two people that love each other, or were forced into marriage, and live their lives. What's the big deal? Everyone deserves to be happy. If they're not hurting you, why are you trying to run their lives? They should have had the same rights all along. Just saying.

Trio at the beach

It started out being nice weather wise. It wasn't too hot and there was a nice breeze. It was the perfect combination for a day at the beach

There were three of us that went today: Kayla, Brittany, and me. Other people were working or just ignoring their invitation. Brittany got a new dog yesterday, a German Shepherd mix. He's so cute! He tagged along for our date.

He's only a puppy , three months old I think, so I expected him to be rambunctious. Thankfully I was mistaken. He was timid at first, and he does not like cars because of the noise. He slept most of the time that we were in the car. Judd, the puppy, was like a second shadow for Brittany. It was adorable. I pet Judd most of the day because he's just to cute!

I even pet him when I was laying in the sun. I don't think I burned today, thank God! I have a very distinct tan line on my back. It's ghostly where the sun didn't find me, and then it looks like a baked potato where the skin was showing last week. Great description, I know. I think my stomach is whiter than my legs...that's sad because my legs are only like one shade away from being albino.

When I got home and looked at the mail, I saw that there was something from Mrs. Smith. It turned out to be a picture from class night. It was taken while Girls Choir was singing See You Again. I look cute obviously... Oh, yeah, everyone else looks cute too. :) I think I'm funny.

Overall, it was a very nice day. A day at the beach with an adorable puppy and an unexpected, but greatly appreciated, picture. I hope the streak of good days continues this summer because I'm having fun, except for Monday night. Just wow. Society is going down the drain.

Just saying :)

If romance is dead now, whats the future look like?

Everyone reads, or sees movies, about these amazing love stories (The Fault in Our Stars, Pride and Prejudice, The Notebook, and countless others). They're beautiful and things that some people look forward to.

With today's society, it seems like that's all lost. The sacred temples aren't sacred anymore. In a survey that one of my teachers organized, we learned that people are losing their virginity between 13 and 15 years old. People just don't seem to have the same respect for themselves as they did in previous generations.

In a conversation I had earlier with a 15 year old, romance was nonexistent. I'm 19 and this young boy asked me out to be in a relationship. I wasn't sure how I felt about this because h did the same thing to one of my friends a few months back. Another reason I wasn't interested is because I'm going away in a couple months. I don't want to feel like I can't have fun or be tied down. That's what I told him. I didn't want to be tied down.

This is when he asked if I wanted to be fwb. I discussed the message with my sister to find out that he was asking if I wanted to be friends with benefits (fwb). I was appalled! Do I seem like a person that wants to do that kind of thing? No! I'm like as innocent as they come. This kid knew this too! I asked him if I seemed like that kind of girl and he said no, not at all. He just wanted a relationship with me without tying me down. What ever happened to being friends? Just friends? We've had like three conversations before! He doesn't know me or anything about me, so why does he think we should be more than friends?

I know that the love story romance isn't exactly realistic, but that was just something I do not want to be part of. I'm not saying that I want a guy to have an elaborate, romantic gesture to ask me out, but to take the chance to get to know me in all my sassy glory. I'm worth a friendship, not a drive thru.

Just saying.

She's the best spy!

I love movies! I like how they make the audience feel for the characters. Books do that too and I just love it! Depending on the genre and the plot, they can inspire me, make me look forward to the future, or any number of things.

I guess that I really like reading about, or watching movies, people who have crappy childhoods, or adult lives, and end up doing amazing things. That may sound a little twisted, but it isn't at the heart of it. Sometimes I worry about how things are going to end up for me. Learning about people, even fictional people, making a name for themselves fives me hope.

I went to the theaters today to see Spy starring Melissa McCarthy. She was underappreciated and become successful at whatever challenge that they are faced with. I hope to do that one day.

Spy was amazing! She was kind of invisible and then she was the hero that everyone needed. She did what others couldn't do and saved so many lives! I know that's a little unrealistic, saving lives as a spy, but helping people is what I want to do.

The movie had a great balance between humor and the relationships between characters. I feel like a laughed for half the movie and I loved it! There was a reoccurring joke between two spies and it caused so many problems!

The movie was so good! I may go see it in theaters again! Just saying. :)

My first visit to my next journey

It was accepted students day today at UMPI, they've already had a few so there weren't many people there. It was also my first visit to the campus. I'm not sure what made me pick UMPI over Husson, but I think I made the right choice.

My mom and I left the house around 6:30 to drive up north, we made a stop at Dunkin Donuts on our way. It rained most of the way there, but had cleared up by the the time we were in Houlton. The funny story there: we pulled off the highway and the car was making a clunking noise. We pulled into the gas station and the noise stopped. It ended up being a fog light...it had fallen off while we were pulling into the gas station! How funny is that?! My mom picked it up and threw it in the back seat.

We continued the journey to campus and didn't really notice much about the scenery. The campus was a series of brick buildings. It was smaller than I expected, but I loved it!

I met some really nice faculty members and had some nice conversations. They all seemed very interested (they were probably paid to be like that haha). They all thought that I was nice, probably because I wasn't sassy and didn't have my resting bitch face! :)

Sense my mom loves me and spoils me rotten, she bought me a whole new outfit from the bookstore: a pink sweatshirt, gray sweatpants, and a yellow UMPI shirt. I'll stay warm during the winter!

We may have left campus after the yummy lunch, free I might add, and gone to Maddens where she bought me two more shirts.

On the ride up I managed to create a Skype account for our future communication. I guess she's worried about me being up there all by myself.

At the end of the day, I feel like I made the right decision in choosing to go to Presque Isle. I might join the business club, whatever they plan on doing I'm clueless, and maybe even writing for the school newspaper. I think that could be fun.

The longest I've been away from home is a week, and that was only last year when I went to Dirigo Girls State at Husson for a week. I didn't get too homesick or anything, but I did miss home. I think that I can do well next year/semester if I really try.

I may be alone up there with no family around, but I'll always have someone whether it's texting, skyping, emailing, someone on campus, or any other form of communication. I'm looking forward to this next journey up in "potato country."

By the way, it smells like nature up there! I better get used to it. Just saying. :)

What's wrong with me?

It's been eleven years or so since I was taken away from my bio mom (I think). I'm glad that I got out of there because it was like a horror movie. I only have snippets of memories, but I'm scared to remember the rest. I know that bad things happened in that trailer, but I don't remember probably 80% of it.

I've been told that I probably don't remember it because it was really bad stuff or I'm not ready to remember it. I think I want to know what happened.

I've seen the Egg Donor (currently known as the crackasourus ho) weekly and now monthly ever since then. She always says that she loves me and regrets not being able to see all of her kids grow up. I don't believe her. If we meant that much to her, she should have actually taken care of her kids instead of being am addict.

Coming from someone like that, I think that it's amazing how almost sane I am. I'll always be traumatized from that time of my life, but I'm going to continue to push through it.

She went to graduation which was nearly a week ago. She took a few pictures, stayed for the ceremony, and left. She didn't say congratulations or take pictures or anything. She just left. The next day was my birthday and graduation party. She has texted me happy birthday the past few years when we've both had phones, so I was waiting for that text.

It never came.

A day or so later, she posted on my sisters Facebook wall saying happy birthday and she couldn't wait to see us next month. She didn't post on my wall. I may have ignored her texts for the past couple of months after I told her that I hated her for letting things happen the way they did back in the trailer, but she's still supposed to love me.

I hate that I feel like this. I hate her more than I hate idiots, although she does fall under that category, but I still want her love or acceptance or something. After everything that happened behind closed curtains, all the therapy I had to and will have to go through due to her, I still wanted that little piece of appreciation from her.

Why do I want that from her? Why do I still care about what she thinks? I thought I was over her, ready to leave her in the past, but I don't know what to think anymore. Is this a normal thing to feel?

I'll figure it out some day...I hope. Just saying.

Beach day!

It was so hot today! I think that 70°F and above is pretty hot, but my god did I feel it today.

I thought that it would be fun to go to the beach and hang out with my friends. A bonus to going was getting out of the house and away from everyone. It was lovely.

Jordan and Bethany were the first two there. Brittany came shortly after Bethany left. It was nice just laying in the sun and talking with some really amazing girls.

The water was pretty cold at first, but it warmed up if you stayed in there long enough for your body to go numb. Brittany, Kayla, and I swam out to the rock and then laid in the sun some more. We talked about making beach days a weekly event. Maybe I won't go to Presque Isle looking quite as albino. :)

I put sunscreen on my face and chest because that's what burns the most, but I still got burned. My arms and back are on fire because they burned so badly. I'm on my way to skin cancer.

I learned my lesson. Next time I will put sunscreen on my arms and back too. I don't like the burning sensation. Just saying.

Me? Depressed?

I was told that I've acted depressed since graduation. It's weird how when I actually am depressed, no one notices, but when I'm not, people just seem to think I am.

When I'm actually depressed, I tend to stay in my room and not communicate with anyone. The last few days I've been reading and going to parties. I feel exhausted even though I sleep so I don't waste my energy trying to make sure that everyone else is happy.

I just feel so bored. What am I supposed to do, watch TV all day? Just because I've done that in the past, doesn't mean that's what I want to do now. I'm a different person than I was last summer of any of the summers before. I've evolved into someone new.

I'm going swimming tomorrow. If I go out of the house, maybe people will stop thinking I'm depressed. Just saying. :)

Nerd alert!

I've been told that I'm sassy. I can vaguely see it, but I think people read too much into everything I say, how I do things, and how I approach people with no common sense. I've also been told that I'm a nerd...I KNOW that's true.

I started a book on Saturday, The Kite Runner, and I finished it today. I feel like most people in my position, a fresh graduate with no job, a car with a full tank of gas, and friends, would be doing something fun like going to the movies or going swimming.

I went to a few graduation parties, I personally wasn't drinking, but I read as much as I could. I could have been watching Netflix or hung out with my friends, but I laid in bed or the majority of three days and read for pleasure.

Yesterday, it came to my attention that I am nothing like my birth family. A lot of them have done drugs or have been around them, didn't finish high school or didn't go to college, and they either have jobs that teens usually have or are on welfare. Most of them started doing drugs and drinking alcohol, a few didn't get addicted, but I haven't done any of those things. I haven't even tried alcohol unlike most kids my age! I have no interest in those things. I don't want to even try it because I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll turn out like the rest of them. A failure.

I think that's my biggest fear. I've tried so hard my whole life to be the best at everything and anything. I hoped that it would be good enough. That maybe my mom would love me. Maybe her husband wouldn't beat me one night I'd I was just good enough. Then when I was adopted, I wanted to be good so they wouldn't want to send me back. They said that they loved me, but I was scared that they might change their mind and send me away. It certainly didn't help when they threatened to call the police on me. I don't ever remember being able to just be me. To be able to just be average at something and not have to work as hard I could to try to please someone else.

I've digressed. Back to me being a nerd. I would rather spend my summer reading and exploring the literature world. I was deprived of opportunities to enjoy myself from a young age. Now that I have the option to be young and enjoy everything that life has to offer, all I want is to do things differently than other people. Yes, I would rather spend my summer reading books can help fill the hole inside. I would love to spend my time furthering my education, exploring the world of literature, and feel like I don't belong to the family that wasted my childhood. If that makes me a nerd, so be it.

Just saying :)

Happy birthday to me

It started out being an okay morning. I woke up at 7:43 and showered. I opened a Snapchat from Brooke wishing me a happy birthday and a Facebook comment from Caitlynn Emery wishing a happy birthday. These awesome friends were the first to wish it for me! Shortly after that I had the gift of 17 pairs of socks! I love them all (I'm a bit of a sock hoarder).

My party was a lot of fun! A lot of family came and a few friends. There was a bounce house so there wasn't a dull moment. Gage was my talking buddy until he had to leave, but we went on the bounce house first, so yippee! Sarah D. and Aryn came. I was so happy to have friends there wishing me a happy birthday and conversing with me for hours! After they all had to leave, :( I sat with Lilly and her boyfriend and Grambo. Things got interesting. Lol.

I went to Brittany's party and was treated like part of the family. Her family is weird but awesome people! There was a lot of talk about Channing Tatum, the sexiest man alive, being Amish. Brittany and me are Amish buddies now! :)

This morning, my mom got me The Kite Runner for my kindle. Books are the one thing that I'll never lose. A thank you to Mrs Morrison for the recommendation! I'm only a few chapters into it, but I like it so far and I'm sure it will be amazing.

I plan to fill my summer with sleep and books. This may be the best summer I'm ever going to have! Just saying :)

The graduation day experience

Last night was the best night of rest since probably April. I woke up and just felt rejuvenated. My day progressed with exquisite slowness. I watched some Netflix and then straightened some hair until I hung with Lilly for a couple of hours.

The graduation ceremony passed by so quick. It was much quicker than class night. Being congratulated by the staff was probably my favorite part. They were so nice and seemed sincere. I held it together through that, shockingly.

I started to tear up during Mr Clifford's speech when he said that when we wake up tomorrow, we're walking up as Bucksport alumni. I guess that I just never really thought about that.

Whitney's solo. It was amazing! It sounded really good, my "allergies" started to act up during that.

Taking pictures was fun too of course. I love the camera. :) I can't wait to see them all on Facebook! I enjoyed them until that one comment. Who knew that one comment could make a person feel so bad? I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I may seem like a confident person, but in reality, I'm one of the most self conscious people with very low self esteem. Right now, I don't even want to leave my room I feel so bad.

Graduation is supposed to be a very happy day. I guess I'm doing something wrong. Just saying.

In the middle

Yesterday was class night and tomorrow is graduation so I'm in the middle of two important days.

Yesterday went well. I received $5305 in scholarships and a $1000 one that wasn't announced. I didn't expect that much, so I'm pretty excited about all of that. I can't wait to see the pictures. I didn't cry like I thought I would. It wasn't very emotional for me. I probably will cry tomorrow though.

Senior chorus went as well as could be expected. Girls choir went really well! We sang See You Again and it sounded amazing. I wish we could sing it tomorrow night too, but I guess one night was good enough.

Today was just running through tomorrow night's program. Who knew getting your diploma required such a process? I didn't think it was that hard but I appreciated the practice!

I'm kind of nervous for tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited too. My closest family is going to be there, and some others, and I'll be graduating with all my friends. All my teachers that helped me through all the hard times during the last four years are going to be there. I hope everything goes well. I don't think that I could be any prouder with myself for getting through everything and changing the ways that I did.

Graduation may be the change I need right now even though it terrifies me. Just saying.

The picture is from last night with some cool kids. :)

It's really happening

Day two of marching went much better than yesterday. Nobody left or were sent home. The band played and that was amazing and much different than the recording. It's hard to believe that class night is tomorrow. Senior chorus and girls choir are performing. It could either be really good or something that I'll never live down.

I've spent the majority of time reading since school ended, other than marching practice and sleeping of course. I finally finished Pride and Prejudice. I'm glad that I did because I really liked the book! Now I just have to finish my other one. What will I do then? I'll probably read another book.

Yesterday was Zahra's last day at school. It's sad to think that I won't see her everyday anymore. I'm glad that I was able to say see you later though.

I wrote a letter yesterday for the time capsule. I wasn't sure what to write at first, but I thought about how I was feeling about graduation and the future, and wrote about that.

I decorated my cap today. I think that it really suits me and my personality. Jordan helped me decorate, and I'm very thankful for that.

All I've been able to think about for the past couple of days is writing. I don't want to hand write it or type on my phone, so I'm waiting to get a laptop. It's my graduation/birthday present. I'm super excited for it!

This post isn't very fluid, but I'll cope with it. The pictures may be a little weird, but I'm okay with that. Just saying. :)