Fear

It's 1:34 in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm exhausted but I'm too scared to sleep right now.

My fear right now has manifested itself info vaguely irrational fears: my feet can't hang out from under the blanket because spiders or bugs could come to kill me, my electronics are on so there's some light to eliminate the darkness because shadows are people creeping, and there are things lurking in the corners. I don't usually feel like this, not for a few years at least, so I'm pretty sure that there's something else going on here.

I've only taken a high school psychology class so I'm not the best one to diagnose myself. The last time that I felt like this was around the time I was adopted. I was having supervised visits with the Egg Donor and she always had to get rides with her husband. I saw him in the parking lot twice a week. Just the sight of him made me scared because of all the things he did while we lived in the same trailer.

I remember not being able to go outside by myself, day and night, and always looking over my shoulder. I was even scared that he would come to my school and make us have a real lockdown. I know that it sounds silly to anyone who hasn't been through that, but I was scared for my life. I haven't been able to look out a window at night since I was seven because of the paedophile. Basically, I had too many fears for a girl my age. I'm not sure when I started to feel comfortable again. I think it was probably shortly before high school.

I ratted Tim out for the things he did like I lead to the conviction of Ben's wrong doings. I would assume that he's mad at me for getting him kicked out again, I honestly wouldn't blame him. He lost his child like Tim lost three victims to his torture. Rationally, I don't think Ben will come after me, but every time a car goes by sending a little light through my window, the shadows move and I automatically think it's him or someone else to hurt me.

I'm always scared of being hurt, physically and mentally, but this just feels so amplified. I see shapes all around from my curtains and piled laundry and hanging dresses and I just tense up.

Am I being ridiculous feeling so scared? Did I ever stop? I feel very alone right now. My dog is my security for the night. I hope he can handle it for the next couple months.

It's 2:02 now, i guess i should try to sleep now. Just saying.

Feelings unknown

He's gone. He was kicked out of the house yet again for doing drugs and stealing.

I know that I should feel angry and betrayed, i do don't get me wrong, but I pity him more than anything. He appeared to be doing pretty good. He was sober, supposedly for over a year, and was taking care of one of his kids. He had a job and a girlfriend. I don't know when it all started to go bad again. I never fully trusted him, but I was shocked when I learned about this. I was more surprised than angry.

How bad do things have to get before he cleans up for good? He quit his job because there were drugs there. He did the right thing! That was approximately a month or so ago. Did he start using recently? He has another child on the way. He seemed to be happy about it.

What's going to happen now? I assume the child he had custody over will stay at my house, thank God I'm leaving in a few months, but what's he going to do? I shouldn't worry about it, but I'm curious. To my knowledge, he doesn't have any friends unless he really is using again. I hope that one day he will clean himself up for good; if not for himself, than for his kids. They deserve a father and he isn't giving it to them.

How did we get here? From the beginning of my life here was happy. We had family photos and traditions and now it's just my parents upset that he hasn't changed for good.

I hope that they don't blame me. If I asked, I know that they would say that they didn't, but why wouldn't they? They still love him and every time tat he leaves or gets kicked out, it's because of me. He does something stupid like stealing from me and I have to tell them. I wish I knew how they felt, that they could be honest about it without worrying about hurting my feelings.

I'm pretty sure that his girlfriend is mad at me. I feel really bad about them being kicked out because I really liked her. I know that it's not my fault, but I feel like bad things are prone to happen around me. It seems like they always are. :( I gotta keep moving on though. Maybe one day more good things than bad will revolve around my mini universe that revolves around me.

Just saying.

Comfort

I don't even know how to start. I guess I'll start with a flashback.

It was years ago, five or six years I think, when it really began. I was in middle school, sixth grade to with seventh I believe, when small objects started to go missing. It started with Theresa's zoon, some music player, and escalated far too quickly. IPods, money, and anything around the house. After a while, the verdict was that I was taking it all. I'm not sure what I was doing with it, but I was at fault.

My motive was said to be to make things like they were back in Lagrange. I didn't admit to it because I was innocent, but for years I was the enemy. All trust had been lost. No one trusted me and I didn't trust anyone. Even my sisters began to suspect me. I thought that they would at least have my back.I was alone in the world. After years of false accusations, everyone realized that I was framed. Someone else had done it all so they could pawn objects for their drug money.

After rehab and too many chances, he came back into my life: into my home. It's been seven months and all has seemed to be going well. We are civil to one another, but I will never forgive him for what he did. He damaged me more than I already was.

I went to the beach today with Kayla and Brittany, super fun, and was on my way to McDonald's for some dinner. That's when it was realized. $220 was stolen from my wallet, approximately the same amount from Kayla's. I don't just jump to conclusions usually, but he is the only likely suspect. The car doors are locked at all times except when I'm home. It went missing sometime between Thursday night and today. Who's had access and motive? The heroin addict. He randomly came into some money. Guilty? I know yes. How can he just steal like that? We're supposed to be family! Legally he's my brother and he can do all that to me! I wish I could understand.

I know that I have trust issues and have trouble letting people in, but that's because things like this always happen to me! It's when I get comfortable with everything that something happens to ruin it all again. Life was good. I had money, I have the opportunity to hang out with my friends anytime, I have a car, I'm healthy, and I graduated from high school. I'm going to college. I come from a crappy childhood and have made a success of myself. Why wouldn't I be comfortable? It's when I let my guard down. That's why I have the attitude and don't trust people. I don't want to get too close because things have a tendency to be ripped away from me.

One day I hope that I can be comfortable and not feel the need to worry all the time about things like this happening to me. Maybe when he's gone, hopefully tomorrow, I can begin my journey to succeed that goal. Just saying.

About time!

I heard a little bit about gay marriage legalization today. Apparently the Supreme Court just voted to make same sex marriage legal in all 50 states.

Some people were thrilled about it while others ranted about how it shouldn't have happened. I may be biased because a few of my friends and family members are gay or bisexual, but I think this is rather ridiculous. It's in the declaration that all men are equals. Personally I think it should be people but a rant for another day. We've had a civil war to create a society accepting if different races and to abolish slavery. Women have had rights to vote and have the same jobs as men do. Equality has been a worked towards for so many years, centuries even, and same sex marriage is just being legalized?

Why do people think they should have a say in how people choose to live their lives if they're not hurting anyone? I don't understand why people think same sex marriage is such a big deal. They're people that just happen to love other people of the same sex and want to live their lives in peace. Where's the problem?

I've heard people say that it's wrong from the view of their religion. If you think it's wrong, don't participate it. Treat them as you would other people, but don't have a friendship. Just because someone else is gay doesn't mean that you can't like the person they are.

Marriage is marriage whether it's a man and a woman, two women, two men, or any other combination I don't know of. Two people that love each other, or were forced into marriage, and live their lives. What's the big deal? Everyone deserves to be happy. If they're not hurting you, why are you trying to run their lives? They should have had the same rights all along. Just saying.

Trio at the beach

It started out being nice weather wise. It wasn't too hot and there was a nice breeze. It was the perfect combination for a day at the beach

There were three of us that went today: Kayla, Brittany, and me. Other people were working or just ignoring their invitation. Brittany got a new dog yesterday, a German Shepherd mix. He's so cute! He tagged along for our date.

He's only a puppy , three months old I think, so I expected him to be rambunctious. Thankfully I was mistaken. He was timid at first, and he does not like cars because of the noise. He slept most of the time that we were in the car. Judd, the puppy, was like a second shadow for Brittany. It was adorable. I pet Judd most of the day because he's just to cute!

I even pet him when I was laying in the sun. I don't think I burned today, thank God! I have a very distinct tan line on my back. It's ghostly where the sun didn't find me, and then it looks like a baked potato where the skin was showing last week. Great description, I know. I think my stomach is whiter than my legs...that's sad because my legs are only like one shade away from being albino.

When I got home and looked at the mail, I saw that there was something from Mrs. Smith. It turned out to be a picture from class night. It was taken while Girls Choir was singing See You Again. I look cute obviously... Oh, yeah, everyone else looks cute too. :) I think I'm funny.

Overall, it was a very nice day. A day at the beach with an adorable puppy and an unexpected, but greatly appreciated, picture. I hope the streak of good days continues this summer because I'm having fun, except for Monday night. Just wow. Society is going down the drain.

Just saying :)

If romance is dead now, whats the future look like?

Everyone reads, or sees movies, about these amazing love stories (The Fault in Our Stars, Pride and Prejudice, The Notebook, and countless others). They're beautiful and things that some people look forward to.

With today's society, it seems like that's all lost. The sacred temples aren't sacred anymore. In a survey that one of my teachers organized, we learned that people are losing their virginity between 13 and 15 years old. People just don't seem to have the same respect for themselves as they did in previous generations.

In a conversation I had earlier with a 15 year old, romance was nonexistent. I'm 19 and this young boy asked me out to be in a relationship. I wasn't sure how I felt about this because h did the same thing to one of my friends a few months back. Another reason I wasn't interested is because I'm going away in a couple months. I don't want to feel like I can't have fun or be tied down. That's what I told him. I didn't want to be tied down.

This is when he asked if I wanted to be fwb. I discussed the message with my sister to find out that he was asking if I wanted to be friends with benefits (fwb). I was appalled! Do I seem like a person that wants to do that kind of thing? No! I'm like as innocent as they come. This kid knew this too! I asked him if I seemed like that kind of girl and he said no, not at all. He just wanted a relationship with me without tying me down. What ever happened to being friends? Just friends? We've had like three conversations before! He doesn't know me or anything about me, so why does he think we should be more than friends?

I know that the love story romance isn't exactly realistic, but that was just something I do not want to be part of. I'm not saying that I want a guy to have an elaborate, romantic gesture to ask me out, but to take the chance to get to know me in all my sassy glory. I'm worth a friendship, not a drive thru.

Just saying.

She's the best spy!

I love movies! I like how they make the audience feel for the characters. Books do that too and I just love it! Depending on the genre and the plot, they can inspire me, make me look forward to the future, or any number of things.

I guess that I really like reading about, or watching movies, people who have crappy childhoods, or adult lives, and end up doing amazing things. That may sound a little twisted, but it isn't at the heart of it. Sometimes I worry about how things are going to end up for me. Learning about people, even fictional people, making a name for themselves fives me hope.

I went to the theaters today to see Spy starring Melissa McCarthy. She was underappreciated and become successful at whatever challenge that they are faced with. I hope to do that one day.

Spy was amazing! She was kind of invisible and then she was the hero that everyone needed. She did what others couldn't do and saved so many lives! I know that's a little unrealistic, saving lives as a spy, but helping people is what I want to do.

The movie had a great balance between humor and the relationships between characters. I feel like a laughed for half the movie and I loved it! There was a reoccurring joke between two spies and it caused so many problems!

The movie was so good! I may go see it in theaters again! Just saying. :)

My first visit to my next journey

It was accepted students day today at UMPI, they've already had a few so there weren't many people there. It was also my first visit to the campus. I'm not sure what made me pick UMPI over Husson, but I think I made the right choice.

My mom and I left the house around 6:30 to drive up north, we made a stop at Dunkin Donuts on our way. It rained most of the way there, but had cleared up by the the time we were in Houlton. The funny story there: we pulled off the highway and the car was making a clunking noise. We pulled into the gas station and the noise stopped. It ended up being a fog light...it had fallen off while we were pulling into the gas station! How funny is that?! My mom picked it up and threw it in the back seat.

We continued the journey to campus and didn't really notice much about the scenery. The campus was a series of brick buildings. It was smaller than I expected, but I loved it!

I met some really nice faculty members and had some nice conversations. They all seemed very interested (they were probably paid to be like that haha). They all thought that I was nice, probably because I wasn't sassy and didn't have my resting bitch face! :)

Sense my mom loves me and spoils me rotten, she bought me a whole new outfit from the bookstore: a pink sweatshirt, gray sweatpants, and a yellow UMPI shirt. I'll stay warm during the winter!

We may have left campus after the yummy lunch, free I might add, and gone to Maddens where she bought me two more shirts.

On the ride up I managed to create a Skype account for our future communication. I guess she's worried about me being up there all by myself.

At the end of the day, I feel like I made the right decision in choosing to go to Presque Isle. I might join the business club, whatever they plan on doing I'm clueless, and maybe even writing for the school newspaper. I think that could be fun.

The longest I've been away from home is a week, and that was only last year when I went to Dirigo Girls State at Husson for a week. I didn't get too homesick or anything, but I did miss home. I think that I can do well next year/semester if I really try.

I may be alone up there with no family around, but I'll always have someone whether it's texting, skyping, emailing, someone on campus, or any other form of communication. I'm looking forward to this next journey up in "potato country."

By the way, it smells like nature up there! I better get used to it. Just saying. :)

What's wrong with me?

It's been eleven years or so since I was taken away from my bio mom (I think). I'm glad that I got out of there because it was like a horror movie. I only have snippets of memories, but I'm scared to remember the rest. I know that bad things happened in that trailer, but I don't remember probably 80% of it.

I've been told that I probably don't remember it because it was really bad stuff or I'm not ready to remember it. I think I want to know what happened.

I've seen the Egg Donor (currently known as the crackasourus ho) weekly and now monthly ever since then. She always says that she loves me and regrets not being able to see all of her kids grow up. I don't believe her. If we meant that much to her, she should have actually taken care of her kids instead of being am addict.

Coming from someone like that, I think that it's amazing how almost sane I am. I'll always be traumatized from that time of my life, but I'm going to continue to push through it.

She went to graduation which was nearly a week ago. She took a few pictures, stayed for the ceremony, and left. She didn't say congratulations or take pictures or anything. She just left. The next day was my birthday and graduation party. She has texted me happy birthday the past few years when we've both had phones, so I was waiting for that text.

It never came.

A day or so later, she posted on my sisters Facebook wall saying happy birthday and she couldn't wait to see us next month. She didn't post on my wall. I may have ignored her texts for the past couple of months after I told her that I hated her for letting things happen the way they did back in the trailer, but she's still supposed to love me.

I hate that I feel like this. I hate her more than I hate idiots, although she does fall under that category, but I still want her love or acceptance or something. After everything that happened behind closed curtains, all the therapy I had to and will have to go through due to her, I still wanted that little piece of appreciation from her.

Why do I want that from her? Why do I still care about what she thinks? I thought I was over her, ready to leave her in the past, but I don't know what to think anymore. Is this a normal thing to feel?

I'll figure it out some day...I hope. Just saying.

Beach day!

It was so hot today! I think that 70°F and above is pretty hot, but my god did I feel it today.

I thought that it would be fun to go to the beach and hang out with my friends. A bonus to going was getting out of the house and away from everyone. It was lovely.

Jordan and Bethany were the first two there. Brittany came shortly after Bethany left. It was nice just laying in the sun and talking with some really amazing girls.

The water was pretty cold at first, but it warmed up if you stayed in there long enough for your body to go numb. Brittany, Kayla, and I swam out to the rock and then laid in the sun some more. We talked about making beach days a weekly event. Maybe I won't go to Presque Isle looking quite as albino. :)

I put sunscreen on my face and chest because that's what burns the most, but I still got burned. My arms and back are on fire because they burned so badly. I'm on my way to skin cancer.

I learned my lesson. Next time I will put sunscreen on my arms and back too. I don't like the burning sensation. Just saying.

Me? Depressed?

I was told that I've acted depressed since graduation. It's weird how when I actually am depressed, no one notices, but when I'm not, people just seem to think I am.

When I'm actually depressed, I tend to stay in my room and not communicate with anyone. The last few days I've been reading and going to parties. I feel exhausted even though I sleep so I don't waste my energy trying to make sure that everyone else is happy.

I just feel so bored. What am I supposed to do, watch TV all day? Just because I've done that in the past, doesn't mean that's what I want to do now. I'm a different person than I was last summer of any of the summers before. I've evolved into someone new.

I'm going swimming tomorrow. If I go out of the house, maybe people will stop thinking I'm depressed. Just saying. :)

Nerd alert!

I've been told that I'm sassy. I can vaguely see it, but I think people read too much into everything I say, how I do things, and how I approach people with no common sense. I've also been told that I'm a nerd...I KNOW that's true.

I started a book on Saturday, The Kite Runner, and I finished it today. I feel like most people in my position, a fresh graduate with no job, a car with a full tank of gas, and friends, would be doing something fun like going to the movies or going swimming.

I went to a few graduation parties, I personally wasn't drinking, but I read as much as I could. I could have been watching Netflix or hung out with my friends, but I laid in bed or the majority of three days and read for pleasure.

Yesterday, it came to my attention that I am nothing like my birth family. A lot of them have done drugs or have been around them, didn't finish high school or didn't go to college, and they either have jobs that teens usually have or are on welfare. Most of them started doing drugs and drinking alcohol, a few didn't get addicted, but I haven't done any of those things. I haven't even tried alcohol unlike most kids my age! I have no interest in those things. I don't want to even try it because I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll turn out like the rest of them. A failure.

I think that's my biggest fear. I've tried so hard my whole life to be the best at everything and anything. I hoped that it would be good enough. That maybe my mom would love me. Maybe her husband wouldn't beat me one night I'd I was just good enough. Then when I was adopted, I wanted to be good so they wouldn't want to send me back. They said that they loved me, but I was scared that they might change their mind and send me away. It certainly didn't help when they threatened to call the police on me. I don't ever remember being able to just be me. To be able to just be average at something and not have to work as hard I could to try to please someone else.

I've digressed. Back to me being a nerd. I would rather spend my summer reading and exploring the literature world. I was deprived of opportunities to enjoy myself from a young age. Now that I have the option to be young and enjoy everything that life has to offer, all I want is to do things differently than other people. Yes, I would rather spend my summer reading books can help fill the hole inside. I would love to spend my time furthering my education, exploring the world of literature, and feel like I don't belong to the family that wasted my childhood. If that makes me a nerd, so be it.

Just saying :)

Happy birthday to me

It started out being an okay morning. I woke up at 7:43 and showered. I opened a Snapchat from Brooke wishing me a happy birthday and a Facebook comment from Caitlynn Emery wishing a happy birthday. These awesome friends were the first to wish it for me! Shortly after that I had the gift of 17 pairs of socks! I love them all (I'm a bit of a sock hoarder).

My party was a lot of fun! A lot of family came and a few friends. There was a bounce house so there wasn't a dull moment. Gage was my talking buddy until he had to leave, but we went on the bounce house first, so yippee! Sarah D. and Aryn came. I was so happy to have friends there wishing me a happy birthday and conversing with me for hours! After they all had to leave, :( I sat with Lilly and her boyfriend and Grambo. Things got interesting. Lol.

I went to Brittany's party and was treated like part of the family. Her family is weird but awesome people! There was a lot of talk about Channing Tatum, the sexiest man alive, being Amish. Brittany and me are Amish buddies now! :)

This morning, my mom got me The Kite Runner for my kindle. Books are the one thing that I'll never lose. A thank you to Mrs Morrison for the recommendation! I'm only a few chapters into it, but I like it so far and I'm sure it will be amazing.

I plan to fill my summer with sleep and books. This may be the best summer I'm ever going to have! Just saying :)

The graduation day experience

Last night was the best night of rest since probably April. I woke up and just felt rejuvenated. My day progressed with exquisite slowness. I watched some Netflix and then straightened some hair until I hung with Lilly for a couple of hours.

The graduation ceremony passed by so quick. It was much quicker than class night. Being congratulated by the staff was probably my favorite part. They were so nice and seemed sincere. I held it together through that, shockingly.

I started to tear up during Mr Clifford's speech when he said that when we wake up tomorrow, we're walking up as Bucksport alumni. I guess that I just never really thought about that.

Whitney's solo. It was amazing! It sounded really good, my "allergies" started to act up during that.

Taking pictures was fun too of course. I love the camera. :) I can't wait to see them all on Facebook! I enjoyed them until that one comment. Who knew that one comment could make a person feel so bad? I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I may seem like a confident person, but in reality, I'm one of the most self conscious people with very low self esteem. Right now, I don't even want to leave my room I feel so bad.

Graduation is supposed to be a very happy day. I guess I'm doing something wrong. Just saying.

In the middle

Yesterday was class night and tomorrow is graduation so I'm in the middle of two important days.

Yesterday went well. I received $5305 in scholarships and a $1000 one that wasn't announced. I didn't expect that much, so I'm pretty excited about all of that. I can't wait to see the pictures. I didn't cry like I thought I would. It wasn't very emotional for me. I probably will cry tomorrow though.

Senior chorus went as well as could be expected. Girls choir went really well! We sang See You Again and it sounded amazing. I wish we could sing it tomorrow night too, but I guess one night was good enough.

Today was just running through tomorrow night's program. Who knew getting your diploma required such a process? I didn't think it was that hard but I appreciated the practice!

I'm kind of nervous for tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited too. My closest family is going to be there, and some others, and I'll be graduating with all my friends. All my teachers that helped me through all the hard times during the last four years are going to be there. I hope everything goes well. I don't think that I could be any prouder with myself for getting through everything and changing the ways that I did.

Graduation may be the change I need right now even though it terrifies me. Just saying.

The picture is from last night with some cool kids. :)

It's really happening

Day two of marching went much better than yesterday. Nobody left or were sent home. The band played and that was amazing and much different than the recording. It's hard to believe that class night is tomorrow. Senior chorus and girls choir are performing. It could either be really good or something that I'll never live down.

I've spent the majority of time reading since school ended, other than marching practice and sleeping of course. I finally finished Pride and Prejudice. I'm glad that I did because I really liked the book! Now I just have to finish my other one. What will I do then? I'll probably read another book.

Yesterday was Zahra's last day at school. It's sad to think that I won't see her everyday anymore. I'm glad that I was able to say see you later though.

I wrote a letter yesterday for the time capsule. I wasn't sure what to write at first, but I thought about how I was feeling about graduation and the future, and wrote about that.

I decorated my cap today. I think that it really suits me and my personality. Jordan helped me decorate, and I'm very thankful for that.

All I've been able to think about for the past couple of days is writing. I don't want to hand write it or type on my phone, so I'm waiting to get a laptop. It's my graduation/birthday present. I'm super excited for it!

This post isn't very fluid, but I'll cope with it. The pictures may be a little weird, but I'm okay with that. Just saying. :)

It's not just another day

My official last day of high school was yesterday, but I'm not ready to say goodbye or see you later. I finished getting lovely comments in my yearbook and told people how much I have appreciated them this year.

My teachers were especially amazing! They took the time to get to know me as a student and a person. I was spoken to as an equal rather than a child. They've all done so many nice things for me throughout high school as a whole and this year in particular. I'm going to stay in touch with them along with my amazing friends.

I made new friends this year, lost a few as well. My new friends made it a pleasure to go to school everyday. Things are going to be completely different in just a few short months, so I plan to make the most of everyday.

Today, after a couple of hours of saying see you laters and rehearsing for jazz choir, it was a date for the squad to get together. We all weren't there, but we made the most of it. We went to see Pitch Perfect 2 and out for lunch at buffalo wild wings.

I'm glad we had our date and plan on having many more before I go away. In the words from Pitch Perfect, either one, "I'm gonna miss you when I'm gone." Our summer is going to be the best yet!

As you can see, we're so cool. Just saying! :)

I'm awake!

Have you ever just felt disconnected from the world? That's how I felt from the beginning of the year until a few weeks ago. I feel like I just woke up from a long dream.

I remember everything that happened, but it's like my life this past year was a movie. I felt like I was watching the time go by instead of living in the moment.

I must be pretty cool in that state of mind because I made a lot of friends this year. Nothing seemed to matter emotionally though. I was detached from reality or something.

When I started to live my life and not watch it again, all the feelings from the previous months bombarded me. The fear and nervousness about college and graduation (my future as a whole to be honest) were especially hard to deal with.

Once I came back to life, I came to some realizations. I realized that I take things too seriously whether it's something someone says or even a school assignment. I've also been treated like crap for months and I've just taken it. I feel like I'm everyone's punching bag and I'm just expected to take it. There's more realizations, but I won't bore anyone with the details.

I've decided that's it's time for a change. I'm not gonna be that person that gets used for their car, advice, company or anything else. I'm a pretty nice person to the people that deserve it and it's about time someone starts treating me like that. Just saying.