Past few weeks struggles

There's been a lot of drama in my friend group the past couple of weeks. In general terms, one friend has a few problems and everyone else has gotten pretty annoyed. It's died down thank goodness.

The drama itself hasn't been keeping me up late at night, it was how I thought people were going to react. The major thing that keeps my mind busy is knowing that my best friend is going to be leaving at the end of the semester.

I don't know how we got this close. I have a history of not getting close to people because it hurts too much when they inevitably leave. I'm always left alone, broken to put the pieces back together.

I think it was my first year seminar that made me open up and be willing to be close to people. I wrote a quick write about a major influence in my life. I picked hearing the story of how love shouldn't be a secret. I slowly became closer friends with her only to find out that she's leaving. Instead of distancing myself, I've decided to become as close to her as I possibly can. It's gonna kill me when she leaves. I'm glad that I met her.

I know that keeping in touch isn't as hard as it used to be, but it won't be the same.

Getting to know her is the best thing that I've done in my first semester of college. I've learned facts about the world, things about myself, and life lessons. I'm going to cherish this time for the rest of my life. Just saying :)

College life improvements

I've only been a college student for a few months and I've decided that I really like it. It seems kind of silly that I was so worried about coming up here. It was a huge transition and most kids in my position would be nervous, but I've met some of the best people in my life up here!

I think that some of my friends are only friends for now while I'm still at UMPI, but I know that a few of them are going to be life long friends.

We've grown pretty close over the past few months. A few of us have been to the ER via Sabrina, a.k.a. the Grimm Reaper. She's been super understanding about taking people places because she's one of the few that actually has a car on campus.

We celebrated Halloween last week. There was a dance and everyone dresses up in a costume. We all looked awesome, and I felt awesome! I've lost a lot of weight since coming up here so I've gained some confidence. It was an amazing feeling to be free of all the negativity, mostly from me. I felt awesome and looked hot.

I've also been learning how to become an individual. I have a lot of work to do, but I'm very different from who I used to be. I can make friends, talk to strangers, and do things for myself.

I'm still learning who I am. I guess that I thought I would discover new things about myself and learn who I am right of the back, but I still couldn't tell you who I am as a person. Ralph, the campus counselor, said that I'm too hard in myself. I've heard that many times before but it's only now starting to sink in. I'm worthy of more than I give myself credit for. I've also done more than I give myself credit for.

I came to UMPI as a newly diagnosed diabetic. Since then I have learned to take care of myself causing weight loss. Every day I grow up and learn a little bit more. Just saying! :)

New experiences

It's been rough adjusting to the college life. In my last post, I mentioned the likely possibility that of going home next semester. I'm not sure how I feel about that now because I've made some really amazing friends! We've only been together for about two weeks, but it's different than high school friends. We all seem very close. I have the suspicion that the reason for that may have to do with the fact that we're actually living together, which is actually kind of awesome!

One of my new friends, Kassidie, has a birthday today! We're celebrating it later, and I love it! Her and Laksmis have been trying so hard to make me feel involved and more social. I don't know how I can thank them enough!

I did my laundry here for the first time yesterday. I felt really adult about it. I figured out how to use the washer and dryer here, you have to pay and push certain buttons. It was actually a pretty cool experience. I'm glad that I get to try new things.

I started changing the way that I eat about a week before I came here. I was actually diagnosed as a diabetic so it wasn't a choice. I haven't told many people because I find it really embarrassing! I'm 19 and I have to take meds to help my pancreas and I have to turn my world upside down! It's been really hard going through this because it feels like I can't eat anything that I want without feeling guilty. The silver lining here though is that I'm losing so much weight! None of my clothes fit anymore so I'll probably get a new wardrobe when I go back home in October with Kayla!

I'm so excited to see her! We've never been apart this long! We talk everyday, which is awesome, but I miss actually being able to talk to her in person. I'm glad that she tries to understand how I feel. Even though we're apart, I think that our relationship is getting stronger! "I feel like she's opening up to me more, and obviously I'm opening up to her.

In the end, I'm happy that I came here, even though the food sucks! The people are super nice and they totally appreciate my weirdness and my Snapchat weirdness! That was never fully appreciated at home by anyone other than Kayla. Just saying! :)

(Don't mind the horrendous picture of me!)

The college life...so far

I've only been in Presque Isle for a little over a week, and it's super stressful. It's not that it's a lot of work, but being an adult.

I like to define my position in life right now as an adult in progress. Since I was adopted, I've been taken care of. It's been weird being on campus without any of my family. I really miss them and everything.

It's safe to say that I've been adjusting to this life: showering in the same room as other girls, sharing a room again, being in control of getting my own food and cutting up my own meat, and doing my own work. I've been keeping in contact with my family, but it's still been very different. I know that I've only been here for a little over a week, but right now I don't think that I'll be coming back for another semester.

I might change my mind. Id talking to my mom and she made it clear that it's okay if I change my mind and end up wanting to stay up here, but right now I don't feel like I'm going to want to.

It was awesome seeing my mom and sister today. We went out to lunch at Ruby Tuesday. We talked a lot and just hung out. I think that's one of the biggest things I miss, having conversations in person with my family.

I think that my favorite part of the day was when my mom told me that I need to eat more because I'm withering away. I told her that it's the food here. I eat a lot less food and more healthy stuff. She brought me a giant thing of man n cheese and then bought me for boxes of granola bars!

Overall, I had a wonderful day with my mom and sister! Just saying! :)

Am I ready?

Presque Isle is about two and a half weeks away now and I'm starting to second guess my decision. There are times that I feel like I don't want to go because I feel so loved and cared about, but then there are way more days that I feel ignored or hated. I'm sure that no one intends to be like that, but it just kind of sucks to be in my position lately.

I went to the last visit for a while. It was mostly two hours of awkward silence. I was cranky and didn't know what to say. The crackasourus ho mostly talked to her friend about how much they drank the night before. Do I seem like I want to hear about that? I don't know why. but I guess that I started to think that she was taking care of herself. She divorced Tim and moved out, so why would she continue with the drugs and alcohol? I wish that I didn't care. After she left. Kevin came.

Kevin tries to come every month, but that doesn't always work out well. We talked for hours! I wish that we could do that more often because it was really nice being able to have a whole conversation with someone that is actively participating. People tend to stop talking to me half way through the conversation. After we had our visit, I gave him a ride home. His car broke and he doesn't have the money to get a new one. It breaks my heart to hear about the situation that he's in. He lost his kid, doesn't have a car, and has a minimum wage job. I wish that there was something I could do to help him out. If I become as successful as I plan to be, I'll do whatever I can to help him. He plans on going back to New Hampshire in five to ten years. That's what he calls home. It's the last place that we were all together, dad was still alive, and we were happy. Things just went downhill from there.

The past few days have been pretty crappy. I don't know if it's because I was cranky from lack of sleep, if I was being overly sensitive, or if everyone was being mean to me, but the only time I was happy was when I was with Kevin. No one has said anything nice to me, I haven't been super nice either, and everyone has been cranky. Pops recently lost his job so he has an excuse, but it all seems a little extreme.

When everyone is cranky, it makes me excited to go away. If the topic comes up, they say that they'll miss me and it will be hard for them, and that makes me sad to leave. It's when I feel most loved. Then they make the conversation about Emily coming back to Maine to live and I'm like, "I'm excited to leave now. I can't stand her." We used to get along, but not anymore. Her last visit didn't go so well between us. She was extra mean and I don't want to be around that. She's coming back sometime after I leave.

With my emotions changing from excitement to nervousness to vague regret of my decision, I'm not sure if I'm really ready to go. I've never been on my own. I've been treated like a child my whole life and now I'm becoming an adult really quickly. I may have been a responsible child but I was still a child. I don't know how I should feel.

Everything will work out okay so I guess that it's pointless to worry about it, but I don't think that I can. I was born to worry. Hope things will be good for me while I'm becoming an adult. Just Saying.

Beginning of another mental breakdown?

It was a very emotional day today because one of my best friends moved an hour and a half away: Brittany. I went over to her house to say goodbye and help her with whatever she needed. It was one of the last times the squad will be together this summer. We plan on going to the movies and out to lunch sometime before I leave and college for everyone else starts.

Jordan ended up going to Brittany's house to say goodbye too. We took some pictures to remember this summer by. I'm very upset that Brittany decided to leave because we have become very good friends and have amazing weekly beach dates. That can't happen anymore. :'( I'm not sure what to do without her.

She said that she's going to come home in a few weeks to get the rest of her stuff, that's probably when we'll have our next date. Now we're friends on Skype so we can video chat and snapchat and stalk each other on social media. Things wont be the same, but I plan on keeping our friendship. She means more to me than anyone else right now, excluding the few people that I actually talk to because they're all on the same level.

I talked to my mom a little bit about Brittany moving, or at least I tried to. She told me that sense my only friend moved away, I have to make new friends. I know that statement is mostly true. That's why I told her that I know and that's why I'm going away. I'm tired of the people around here and the ones that I've met, I don't care for. She said that I don't know everyone at Husson or Orono. It was her way of trying to convince me to stay here instead of going to UMPI.

I'm used to her saying little things like that, but she's becoming more aggressive about it. I get that she doesn't want me to go away because I help out with driving Kayla and making dinner and stuff, but I don't understand why she's being so rude about it. My mind is set on going away. I can't handle everyone's attitude these days; It's becoming ridiculous. Just about everything I say pisses someone off, or they already have an attitude so they bitch at me. I'm not a punching bag. I may be round like one, but I have heart deep down. They need to get over it. I'm leaving and it's official.

I wish that Brittany or someone, anyone, was here to confide in right now. Just saying.

Imma miss my best friend

Yesterday, I went to the beach with Kayla. It was only for a couple hours and no one else wanted to come, but it was really nice. She actually talked to me for awhile. We had had legit conversations. During one of our conversations, about me going away, she let it slip that she was going to miss me and that I'm her best friend. She's my best friend too. We've been through so much together that it's no surprise that we're always going to be close.

It's sad that we wont be together, but I think that we both need to find out who we are without each other. I've always had her so it's natural that I've become attached to her. I just feel like we're a little too close now. I don't know who I am without her, and I don't like that kind of dependency on someone.

I'm glad that she's opening up to me more. This should be a time to spend with friends and family. I spend most of my time with Kayla because no one else really wants to talk to me. The only way that a conversation, let alone actually doing something, will happen is if I initiate it. I have to start the conversation or ask what people want to do. I want to hang out with everyone, but they don't seem to want to hang out with me.

I hope that the people I'm going to be friends with at UMPI aren't like this. It would be nice to feel like people actually want to talk to me. I don't think that my so called friends are going to miss me while I'm gone. At least I'll come home to my best friend for the holidays. I'm glad that I wasn't an only child. Just saying.