Imma miss my best friend

Yesterday, I went to the beach with Kayla. It was only for a couple hours and no one else wanted to come, but it was really nice. She actually talked to me for awhile. We had had legit conversations. During one of our conversations, about me going away, she let it slip that she was going to miss me and that I'm her best friend. She's my best friend too. We've been through so much together that it's no surprise that we're always going to be close.

It's sad that we wont be together, but I think that we both need to find out who we are without each other. I've always had her so it's natural that I've become attached to her. I just feel like we're a little too close now. I don't know who I am without her, and I don't like that kind of dependency on someone.

I'm glad that she's opening up to me more. This should be a time to spend with friends and family. I spend most of my time with Kayla because no one else really wants to talk to me. The only way that a conversation, let alone actually doing something, will happen is if I initiate it. I have to start the conversation or ask what people want to do. I want to hang out with everyone, but they don't seem to want to hang out with me.

I hope that the people I'm going to be friends with at UMPI aren't like this. It would be nice to feel like people actually want to talk to me. I don't think that my so called friends are going to miss me while I'm gone. At least I'll come home to my best friend for the holidays. I'm glad that I wasn't an only child. Just saying.

Apparently I was wrong

The Bay Festival was yesterday. I've spent the past few years spending the day of the Bay Festival with Caity, but since we're not great friends anymore, we didn't do the same thing. I spent most of the day with Caitlyn. I watched the parade with my parents and Sarah. It was really nice spending time with them. I hung out with Jordan a little bit, but not that much. She was with Dakota the whole time.

I kind of feel like I don't have friends anymore. No one really talks to me anymore. No one seems to be putting any effort in to the friendships we used to have. It's like the philosophy is if I don't put the effort in, then we wont talk or do anything. It's getting to be really frustrating. I thought that I had the best friends in the world and that we would stay friends for a very long time, but I guess I was wrong.

I was just downstairs having a bowl of ice cream, and I couldn't help but think about how different everything is now than just a few months ago: I basically have no friends, the only person I talk to feels like a stalker because he s to talk to me every waking moment, my family barely talks to me, and my dog hates me. People were always saying that things would change after graduation, like your friends, but I though that I had more time before things came to this.

I'm getting more scared everyday as college approaches. It's not just that I'm going to be alone, but what if people there don't like me either? When I tell the few people that actually talk to me that people don't like me, they seem surprised. I don't know if it is my attitude or something else, but it's a very real possibility that I wont be liked there either. It's obvious due to the lack of communication from my former friends that I wasn't as well liked as I thought. I just hope that things will be different.

Just saying.

Again with being depressed

There wasn't anything particularly worse today than others, but I just feel down today. I think that going away in a month is beginning to change how I look at things.

It started this morning when I got mad at my sister. It was stupid but it made me excited to leave. We've been together since the womb. Whenever someone finds out that we're going to different colleges, they ask if it's going to be weird or if we'll miss each other, Every time I say that I'm excited to be separated and I wont miss her that much because we barely talk as it is. I know that I'm going to miss her but at least I can be known as me. Hopefully people will actually talk to me when I talk to them and it wont be like talking to a brick wall.

My parents have been emotional lately. My dad has been angry and my mom has been off and on angry and bipolar emotions. They're just stressed and overwhelmed. I understand that but they keep taking it out on me. My mom has to go to court in a couple of weeks to testify against Ben and Ana, one of Ben's baby mamas. They haven't really noticed me in a while. They know that I'm there, but they don't see me. I don't know if I'm getting the point across but that's how it seems. I'm physically present and they can see that but they don't see the person inside I guess.

Today my mom asked me if I was okay. She usually only asks when I'm not okay and I make it obvious and I'm discretely asking for attention. I wasn't doing that today. She said that I look depressed. They tell me that all the time so it isn't anything new for me to hear. I wouldn't go as far as saying that I'm depressed, but I have been a little out of it lately. I can't stop thinking. I'm scared to go away because of the things that I'm going to miss and I guess that I don't know how to deal with it.

I feel kind of disconnected from the world. I talk more to myself than I do to other people because everyone else has lives. I feel like no one else feels the same as me even though I bet a lot of people feel similar to me. It feels like no one really cares about me right now because they all have their own dramatic lives to deal with.

Life will go on no matter what I do. I need to start by being happy and learning to accept the choices that I have made. Just saying.

Alone

Today was a pretty good day. I went to the movies with Kayla and Lilly; we saw Train Wreck. The movie was hilarious. It seemed so... different, but similar at the same time. There are a lot of romance movies for people to see, some are good and some aren't. What made this one so good I think is that it was more honest than some others. I'm not saying that all women sleep around until they think that they found the one or that they make big romantic gestures. The characters seemed easy to relate to and more realistic.

After the movie we went shopping and out to dinner. I just felt so alive today! Lately, I just feel like an object in a room. I'm there if someone needs something but my needs are irrelevant. I don't feel like I'm part of something anymore. Most of my friends don't talk to me anymore, most of my family doesn't talk to me, and I don't have much to do. Also, when my friends actually talk to me, I'm expected to keep the conversation going and to initiate the conversation. I may as well just talk to myself.

The only person that tells me how it is, or talks to me in general, is Lilly. She tells me what to expect in college for starters. When other people talk to me about it, it's just saying that it's amazing that I'm going and that I'm going to love it. Lilly told me some secrets to making it through. My parents don't talk to me in general let alone about what to expect. Sometimes my mom will make a comment about how I should transfer Orono to be closer. I don't think that she understands why I want to go so far away. She was different when she was my age, she went to college close to home.

It seems like the closer to the day that I have to be up there, August 27, the less she talks to me. She claims that she's going to miss me yet she ignores me. Doesn't she know that I'm more terrified to go, every day? I've gotten too comfortable here. I'm scared to leave. I used to be prepared to leave. When I was younger, I had a bag packed so I would be ready to leave any moment. I probably didn't stop that until the end of middle school. At one point, I was saving my money so I could leave. I'm not sure why I wanted to run away because life here is way better than other places I've been.

Now that the time has come to actually leave, I'm not sure that I'm ready. Sure I'm excited to be away and grow as an individual, but I'm going to be on my own. Sometimes I may feel like I'm on my own, but I know that they've always been there if I was willing to let them in, but I'm really going to be on my own.

I'm not sure that I'm ready but I better prepare myself. I should talk to Lilly more because no one else will tell it how it really is. Just saying.

A great day with Lilly

Yesterday after the visit with the Egg Donor, I found out that my mom ordered my laptop. It's my birthday and graduation present. She was told by my sister that I have been complaining about not having it yet, which is a lie. I only mentioned that it would be nice to have it like three times, and I wasn't lying. It's easier to do some things on a computer rather than a phone.

My computer came in today. I don't know exactly what it is, but it's a tablet that connects to a keyboard. It's about the same size as the school laptops but it works way better!

The topic this evening is nails. Lilly went to the visit yesterday, which was awesome because I don't get to see her very often. We celebrated my birthday because we didn't have a visit last month. Her gifts are getting better, not that they could get much worse. when Kayla, Lilly, and me were leaving, I asked her when I was going to paint her nails. Whenever she comes home from college, she asks me to paint her nails. She likes my nail art skills. I went to her house right after.

We hung out for a few hours. I painted her toenails first, a soft pink with black zebra stripes, and then her fingernails, rainbow French tips. We talked about a lot including her and Zak. They are so cute! I hope to have a relationship like theirs some day. I only met Zak once, at my birthday/graduation party, and he knew it was me from a picture Lilly took of me painting her nails. I was very impressed and pleased that he knew it was me and not Kayla. I guess that he worked hard on remembering everyone's names. He seems really nice and he makes Lilly so happy. They spoil each other too.

After we were done with nails, we went to go pick up a cake Lilly had ordered for Zak's birthday. It was yellow with a batman symbol and said happy birthday. I thought it was super cute! When we got back to her house, I had to go home because she had to go pick Zak up from work.

While we were in the car on the way to get the cake, she talked to me about college and stuff that big sisters tell their little sisters. No one has sat down with me and told me what to expect from college. I kinda feel like I'm going in blind because no one has talked to me about it. All I really have to go off of is TV, and everyone knows that isn't 100% accurate. At this point I feel like she's the only one that's trying to prepare me.

On the upside, I'm financially covered for my first year. Today I received a check in the mail for $500, it was a grant. My parents were very proud of me. My mom said that she was proud of me for getting it. I simply replied, "Why? You're the one that filled out all the scholarship stuff. All I did was the hard work to be eligible for all of the scholarships." She agreed with me and thought it was kind of funny. She's starting to think more of my jokes are actually funny. I've always been funny, she's just too busy to actually listen to me sometimes. Maybe she''ll miss me afterall. Just saying. :)

Spring cleaning in July

Some people, so I hear, find me intimidating because I have my stuff together. The only reason I appear that was is the facade that I've created. The goal of the facade is to make people view me as confident, organized, smart, and nice...sometimes. I achieved that and more, especially this past year, thanks to my planner, friends, teachers, and determination to succeed at everything I do.

I like having structure in my life. I actually liked getting up early for school and doing some extra work in the morning and not stop until it was time for bed. Apparently that makes me weird because I liked the school work from dusk to dawn: it's what kept me sane.

I haven't made a schedule for my summer so I've kind of let myself go. I wake up at 10 Monday through Friday and watch Netflix nearly every waking moment. I should make a change to read everyday for at least an hour. I've made sure to actually go outside this summer. I make a point to go to the beach a minimum of once a week. This has been my organization for my summer days.

I don't remember what I was doing, but a few days ago, maybe a week, I was so angry and went to my room. I started thinking about who I wanted to talk to to hopefully work through it when I realized, I have no one to talk to anymore. Most of the people I was friends with during school don't talk to me anymore, I tried talking to them and they don't respond to me, and the ones that I still talk to have guys in their lives so they're too busy to talk to me. I remember thinking to myself, "I need to clean up my life." Then I looked around and thought, "I need to clean up my room!"

I haven't cleaned my room in four years. My room had a new floor put in, new closet, and the walls were painted in my with grade year. It was clean when I moved in and never looked like that again.

I believe I started cleaning on Wednesday and cleaned for hours each day. I threw away things I don't use anymore, boxes from Christmas, clothes I haven't worn in over a year, broken shoes, and a ton of papers. It's sad to say that I still have hoarding tendencies. I blame my lack of childhood and the deprivation of emotional attachments to people or things. After everything was thrown out, I organized what was left. My clothes are folded, shoes displayed, and bed is made. I swept and washed the floors too! It smells like clementines because of the cleaning stuff. :)

I went through my backpack from school. On the last day I threw everything in my locker into it and called it good. I threw out papers from math, chemistry, some from psychology. I kept all of my psychology notes and English papers. I feel like I did so much in English and improved my skills more than I thought I ever would. I'm almost proud of myself for the growth (that's probably the closest I've come to giving myself a compliment that didn't have to do with my attitude in years. That's sad but filled with true feelings).

What's really sad is that the real reason I cleaned my room is because I'm leaving for UMPI next month and I don't know who's going to see my room when I'm gone. They all have poor opinions of me anyways but why make it worse? Now I can feel better about it. They'll find something to criticize, but I don't really care because I worked really hard on it. It's so clean that it doesn't even feel like my room anymore; I feel like a guest.

Just because I used a semicolon, I have to mention this. I was downstairs on the couch this morning, curled up in a ball under my blanket even though it was 80° in there, when I saw there were two red marks on my wrist. One was circular and the other was the same but with a tail. It literally looked like a semicolon. It wouldn't be so cool to me if I hadn't mentioned the semicolon tattoo that seems to have become a thing when Kayla and me went to the beach on Thursday. I never looked up what people were intending for the semicolon's symbolic meaning, but I thought it was a cool idea.

From my understanding I guess that it's meant for people with mental disorders to symbolize that they're going through rough stuff everyday and keep continuing like a semicolon continues a sentence. If I were to get a tattoo, I think I would something a semicolon but with a different meaning. I've gone through so much, overcome obstacles most people can't even dream of, undergone multiple types of abuse for years, but I still am looking forward to the future. I still overcome the obstacles that try to stop me. I was strong, determined, brave when many people in my position would have coward in the corner. No child should have seen or gone through the things I did, but kept fighting for better times. I'm not sure if a semicolon could symbolize all of that, but I'm open for ideas. I think I might get a tattoo sometime later in life to symbolize all of that. Just saying.

Am I that simple?

Lately it feels like all people think about when they see me is boobs. It's not just weirdos, but my friends and family too!

I have a few different social media sites. Facebook is for my family and friends and others are to let me feel free to be myself without worrying what other people think. I try not to say certain things on Facebook like my "dirty laundry." I guess my blog is my clothesline (I think I'm funny). On the other sites, I get messages saying I'm cute and beautiful and compliments like that. It feels nice to get the attention because I'm not getting it anywhere else. When people view my profile and then message me, they just want to know my bra size of want me to hook up with them. I can't help the fact that I grew the way that I did. Just because I have this body doesn't mean that all I want is sex.

Now to the friends and family rant. It's not uncommon in my house or group of friends to talk about my boobs. "They're abnormally large for my body" and "are the first thing to enter a room for twenty minutes. Then the rest of me enters." There are also a variety of nicknames: watermelons, pumpkin tits, the mayor of Dolly Parton town. This is an everyday kind of thing.

Today, the talk went a little too far, or I'm just over thinking it. Either option is a possibility. I was told that I had the body and boobs to work at Hooters. I took it as that's all I'm good for: boobs. I don't have the brain to do anything with my life. I'm sure it wasn't intended like that, but that's how people make me feel lately. It seems like all anyone wants to do is make me feel like an idiot. I'd love to sit around and cry about it but what's the use? Not only would no one know, but that won't help me at all. I'm just going to have to prove them wrong.

The picture makes me feel good every time I read it. It gives me hope. Just saying. :)

More than just another day

I woke up at the crack of dawn (seven) this morning to get ready to go to camp for the day. I showered and made breakfast, blueberry pancakes.

I met Jordan at Irving in town and followed her to her camp. It was a cute little yellow building eight on the water. Mostly the four of us girls (Jordan, Brittany, Kayla, and me) sat around the fire sharing gossip. My life seems like a soap opera, so I shared everything that's happened this past week.

I caught someone in a lie but I guess I won't say who directly. I was planning on going to the beach yesterday like we've been planning but everyone seemed to have plans, boyfriends and family. I went to see Magic Mike XXL instead. I'm so glad that I did because it was amazing! The final seen was orgasmic! Channing moving like that, whoo, I wish he was mine. :D

Anyways, that lie. One of the people said that she was couldn't go because family was coming over and their mother wanted them home. Well today, they said that they had spent day and night with her boyfriend. I wanted to say, "you were with him? I thought you had to be with your family yesterday," but I didn't touch the subject t. I'm leaving next month and there's no reason to make even more people angry with me.

I don't know what it is but these past couple days have been hard. It could be the heat or all the stress and anxiety or anuthing else. I've been having trouble breathing sporadically during the day. When this happens, my heart starts to pound so hard that I can't stand up or move in general. It takes a few minutes to get under control and then I'm dizzy and feel am so close to falling with every step. My knees keep giving out and I fall into doorways. I think that it's my emotions finally catching up with me. I've been so busy lately that I don't relax much anymore and I haven't really coped with anything that has happened, is happening, or will happen.

I feel a little awkward trying to talk to any of my friends about it because they barely listen to me anyways but they think I'm a  hypochondriac. My parents are too busy preparing for the social worker that's coming tomorrow. They would also just say that it's in my head or something.

I think that for now all I should do is try to relax and deal with everything that's going on. If it gets worse I'll say something. Just saying.

When did i give birth?

I think that's it's clear by this point that I do not like babies: at all. They smell and are way to rambunctious. I could make a list but it would take too long. Babies and kids love me, I don't know why but they do.

This is the first weekend that Ben hasn't been here and my parents, only God knows why, still had the other babies come over. Three kids and two adults. This seems fine except that my dad works the nights and they're always busy.

All day today, one of them has attached herself to me like I'm her property. It all started when I said that she could do next to me which continued throughout the day without a renewed invitation. I could cope for a little while but it gets tiring.

From that kind act of sitting with her, the most kindness she's received from me for her while existence, apparently meant that I would watch all three of them! I don't have, nor do I plan on anytime soon or at all, a baby, so why am I watching them? I'm as single as they come, so I hope I don't any kids of my own. If I don't like them and have never watched one before, what makes me qualified to watch them? I cringe and run away if they start to cry. I personally don't see what about that makes anyone want me around their children.

I wasn't asked to watch them, it was just an expectation. That may be normal for the average family, but I don't deal with them. I take care of myself as best I can. I think I'm on the line of survivor mode. I used to just worry about myself because no one else would, and I haven't fully left that mode. I'm working on it.

I'm a little angry that I had to watch them. I'll get over it because I know that it's hard on my parents that Ben isn't here, an that's partially my fault for letting them know what he was up to, and one kid is annoying... I mean hard enough to take care of let alone three. I hope I can escape them next weekend. Just saying.

The picture is old but it's the only picture I could find that was blog worthy.

And the soap opera continues

This while week has been kind of crazy: Ben and the drugs, rude phone calls, reconnecting with an old friend, and a beach day. That's a bit out of order but the point is still there. Crazy week. I guess I'll start from the beginning.

Monday:
It was my mom's birthday so I didn't do much. It was the day after Ben was kicked out so I thought it would be rather miserable, but it was quite pleasant. My parents left to go grocery shopping. I watched TV all day like what I perceive to be the average teenager. I found out that Ben can come take his kid anytime he wants because he legally has custody: he hasn't come so far.

I saw a post on Facebook that made me so curious that I had to reach out. It said that my former best friend, Caity, was engaged to her boyfriend. I messaged her to see weather or not the post was real or just a new title to symbolize the next stage of their relationship: it was legit. From that one question sprouted a whole conversation that lasted for hours.

Tuesday:
It was another beach day with Kayla and Brittany. On the way to pick Brittany up, I got a message from Caity inviting me over to her house on Wednesday; I accepted it. We were at the beach for a long time. I was almost hit in the head by a like because a child was handling a fishing net without proper parental supervision. I saw Caity's aunt Mandy there with her kids and a couple extras. I sat with her for a while and talked about the engagement between Caity and Leif. It got interesting but I cannot reveal the specifics.

Wednesday:
I went over to Caity's. We watched some TV, talked a lot, and played some badminton. The game was really intense considering I haven't played since middle school and I'm very out of shape. I'm glad that I started talking to her again. I'm not sure how our relationship will end up, but I'm hoping it goes well.

That night I learned that Ben has texted my mom. He claimed to have hit rock bottom and wanted to come back and have things the way that they were before. If he hit rock bottom, isn't that an admission of guilt for doing drugs? Whatever he intended by that, his text was not replied to.

Thursday/today:
Today was more relaxed. I waited for the mail until three, it didn't come, and then I went to the bank. I came home and the mail still hadn't come. It eventually arrived around 3:40 which is ridiculous. The checks that I had been waiting for came. It's safe to say that I was pretty angry with the mail system.

Later, I found out that Ben had texted and called my mom. He thinks his kids are being taken away for him even though he hasn't asked for his kid. I also learned that he was rumored to have been staying with a convicted sex felon. He was caught shooting up, heroin is his drug of choice, and wasn't kicked out for that. He was caught trying to steal a safe with his girlfriend/fiance. They're troublemakers. They're worse than children!

Future:
The 4th of July is coming up and I'm not sure how I feel about it. In the past it's been one of the more awkward holidays. I'm not sure why, but it just is. I'm excited to see some of them though, I could certainly do without the kids my mom is is bringing. As if I want to see them in general, let alone on holidays. I see them every weekend and do my best to make plans so I don't have to because all they do is cry and smell.

I hope it's a good one. Just saying!