Some people, so I hear, find me intimidating because I have my stuff together. The only reason I appear that was is the facade that I've created. The goal of the facade is to make people view me as confident, organized, smart, and nice...sometimes. I achieved that and more, especially this past year, thanks to my planner, friends, teachers, and determination to succeed at everything I do.
I like having structure in my life. I actually liked getting up early for school and doing some extra work in the morning and not stop until it was time for bed. Apparently that makes me weird because I liked the school work from dusk to dawn: it's what kept me sane.
I haven't made a schedule for my summer so I've kind of let myself go. I wake up at 10 Monday through Friday and watch Netflix nearly every waking moment. I should make a change to read everyday for at least an hour. I've made sure to actually go outside this summer. I make a point to go to the beach a minimum of once a week. This has been my organization for my summer days.
I don't remember what I was doing, but a few days ago, maybe a week, I was so angry and went to my room. I started thinking about who I wanted to talk to to hopefully work through it when I realized, I have no one to talk to anymore. Most of the people I was friends with during school don't talk to me anymore, I tried talking to them and they don't respond to me, and the ones that I still talk to have guys in their lives so they're too busy to talk to me. I remember thinking to myself, "I need to clean up my life." Then I looked around and thought, "I need to clean up my room!"
I haven't cleaned my room in four years. My room had a new floor put in, new closet, and the walls were painted in my with grade year. It was clean when I moved in and never looked like that again.
I believe I started cleaning on Wednesday and cleaned for hours each day. I threw away things I don't use anymore, boxes from Christmas, clothes I haven't worn in over a year, broken shoes, and a ton of papers. It's sad to say that I still have hoarding tendencies. I blame my lack of childhood and the deprivation of emotional attachments to people or things. After everything was thrown out, I organized what was left. My clothes are folded, shoes displayed, and bed is made. I swept and washed the floors too! It smells like clementines because of the cleaning stuff. :)
I went through my backpack from school. On the last day I threw everything in my locker into it and called it good. I threw out papers from math, chemistry, some from psychology. I kept all of my psychology notes and English papers. I feel like I did so much in English and improved my skills more than I thought I ever would. I'm almost proud of myself for the growth (that's probably the closest I've come to giving myself a compliment that didn't have to do with my attitude in years. That's sad but filled with true feelings).
What's really sad is that the real reason I cleaned my room is because I'm leaving for UMPI next month and I don't know who's going to see my room when I'm gone. They all have poor opinions of me anyways but why make it worse? Now I can feel better about it. They'll find something to criticize, but I don't really care because I worked really hard on it. It's so clean that it doesn't even feel like my room anymore; I feel like a guest.
Just because I used a semicolon, I have to mention this. I was downstairs on the couch this morning, curled up in a ball under my blanket even though it was 80° in there, when I saw there were two red marks on my wrist. One was circular and the other was the same but with a tail. It literally looked like a semicolon. It wouldn't be so cool to me if I hadn't mentioned the semicolon tattoo that seems to have become a thing when Kayla and me went to the beach on Thursday. I never looked up what people were intending for the semicolon's symbolic meaning, but I thought it was a cool idea.
From my understanding I guess that it's meant for people with mental disorders to symbolize that they're going through rough stuff everyday and keep continuing like a semicolon continues a sentence. If I were to get a tattoo, I think I would something a semicolon but with a different meaning. I've gone through so much, overcome obstacles most people can't even dream of, undergone multiple types of abuse for years, but I still am looking forward to the future. I still overcome the obstacles that try to stop me. I was strong, determined, brave when many people in my position would have coward in the corner. No child should have seen or gone through the things I did, but kept fighting for better times. I'm not sure if a semicolon could symbolize all of that, but I'm open for ideas. I think I might get a tattoo sometime later in life to symbolize all of that. Just saying.
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