Alone

Today was a pretty good day. I went to the movies with Kayla and Lilly; we saw Train Wreck. The movie was hilarious. It seemed so... different, but similar at the same time. There are a lot of romance movies for people to see, some are good and some aren't. What made this one so good I think is that it was more honest than some others. I'm not saying that all women sleep around until they think that they found the one or that they make big romantic gestures. The characters seemed easy to relate to and more realistic.

After the movie we went shopping and out to dinner. I just felt so alive today! Lately, I just feel like an object in a room. I'm there if someone needs something but my needs are irrelevant. I don't feel like I'm part of something anymore. Most of my friends don't talk to me anymore, most of my family doesn't talk to me, and I don't have much to do. Also, when my friends actually talk to me, I'm expected to keep the conversation going and to initiate the conversation. I may as well just talk to myself.

The only person that tells me how it is, or talks to me in general, is Lilly. She tells me what to expect in college for starters. When other people talk to me about it, it's just saying that it's amazing that I'm going and that I'm going to love it. Lilly told me some secrets to making it through. My parents don't talk to me in general let alone about what to expect. Sometimes my mom will make a comment about how I should transfer Orono to be closer. I don't think that she understands why I want to go so far away. She was different when she was my age, she went to college close to home.

It seems like the closer to the day that I have to be up there, August 27, the less she talks to me. She claims that she's going to miss me yet she ignores me. Doesn't she know that I'm more terrified to go, every day? I've gotten too comfortable here. I'm scared to leave. I used to be prepared to leave. When I was younger, I had a bag packed so I would be ready to leave any moment. I probably didn't stop that until the end of middle school. At one point, I was saving my money so I could leave. I'm not sure why I wanted to run away because life here is way better than other places I've been.

Now that the time has come to actually leave, I'm not sure that I'm ready. Sure I'm excited to be away and grow as an individual, but I'm going to be on my own. Sometimes I may feel like I'm on my own, but I know that they've always been there if I was willing to let them in, but I'm really going to be on my own.

I'm not sure that I'm ready but I better prepare myself. I should talk to Lilly more because no one else will tell it how it really is. Just saying.