Am I ready?

Presque Isle is about two and a half weeks away now and I'm starting to second guess my decision. There are times that I feel like I don't want to go because I feel so loved and cared about, but then there are way more days that I feel ignored or hated. I'm sure that no one intends to be like that, but it just kind of sucks to be in my position lately.

I went to the last visit for a while. It was mostly two hours of awkward silence. I was cranky and didn't know what to say. The crackasourus ho mostly talked to her friend about how much they drank the night before. Do I seem like I want to hear about that? I don't know why. but I guess that I started to think that she was taking care of herself. She divorced Tim and moved out, so why would she continue with the drugs and alcohol? I wish that I didn't care. After she left. Kevin came.

Kevin tries to come every month, but that doesn't always work out well. We talked for hours! I wish that we could do that more often because it was really nice being able to have a whole conversation with someone that is actively participating. People tend to stop talking to me half way through the conversation. After we had our visit, I gave him a ride home. His car broke and he doesn't have the money to get a new one. It breaks my heart to hear about the situation that he's in. He lost his kid, doesn't have a car, and has a minimum wage job. I wish that there was something I could do to help him out. If I become as successful as I plan to be, I'll do whatever I can to help him. He plans on going back to New Hampshire in five to ten years. That's what he calls home. It's the last place that we were all together, dad was still alive, and we were happy. Things just went downhill from there.

The past few days have been pretty crappy. I don't know if it's because I was cranky from lack of sleep, if I was being overly sensitive, or if everyone was being mean to me, but the only time I was happy was when I was with Kevin. No one has said anything nice to me, I haven't been super nice either, and everyone has been cranky. Pops recently lost his job so he has an excuse, but it all seems a little extreme.

When everyone is cranky, it makes me excited to go away. If the topic comes up, they say that they'll miss me and it will be hard for them, and that makes me sad to leave. It's when I feel most loved. Then they make the conversation about Emily coming back to Maine to live and I'm like, "I'm excited to leave now. I can't stand her." We used to get along, but not anymore. Her last visit didn't go so well between us. She was extra mean and I don't want to be around that. She's coming back sometime after I leave.

With my emotions changing from excitement to nervousness to vague regret of my decision, I'm not sure if I'm really ready to go. I've never been on my own. I've been treated like a child my whole life and now I'm becoming an adult really quickly. I may have been a responsible child but I was still a child. I don't know how I should feel.

Everything will work out okay so I guess that it's pointless to worry about it, but I don't think that I can. I was born to worry. Hope things will be good for me while I'm becoming an adult. Just Saying.

Beginning of another mental breakdown?

It was a very emotional day today because one of my best friends moved an hour and a half away: Brittany. I went over to her house to say goodbye and help her with whatever she needed. It was one of the last times the squad will be together this summer. We plan on going to the movies and out to lunch sometime before I leave and college for everyone else starts.

Jordan ended up going to Brittany's house to say goodbye too. We took some pictures to remember this summer by. I'm very upset that Brittany decided to leave because we have become very good friends and have amazing weekly beach dates. That can't happen anymore. :'( I'm not sure what to do without her.

She said that she's going to come home in a few weeks to get the rest of her stuff, that's probably when we'll have our next date. Now we're friends on Skype so we can video chat and snapchat and stalk each other on social media. Things wont be the same, but I plan on keeping our friendship. She means more to me than anyone else right now, excluding the few people that I actually talk to because they're all on the same level.

I talked to my mom a little bit about Brittany moving, or at least I tried to. She told me that sense my only friend moved away, I have to make new friends. I know that statement is mostly true. That's why I told her that I know and that's why I'm going away. I'm tired of the people around here and the ones that I've met, I don't care for. She said that I don't know everyone at Husson or Orono. It was her way of trying to convince me to stay here instead of going to UMPI.

I'm used to her saying little things like that, but she's becoming more aggressive about it. I get that she doesn't want me to go away because I help out with driving Kayla and making dinner and stuff, but I don't understand why she's being so rude about it. My mind is set on going away. I can't handle everyone's attitude these days; It's becoming ridiculous. Just about everything I say pisses someone off, or they already have an attitude so they bitch at me. I'm not a punching bag. I may be round like one, but I have heart deep down. They need to get over it. I'm leaving and it's official.

I wish that Brittany or someone, anyone, was here to confide in right now. Just saying.