I went to the last visit for a while. It was mostly two hours of awkward silence. I was cranky and didn't know what to say. The crackasourus ho mostly talked to her friend about how much they drank the night before. Do I seem like I want to hear about that? I don't know why. but I guess that I started to think that she was taking care of herself. She divorced Tim and moved out, so why would she continue with the drugs and alcohol? I wish that I didn't care. After she left. Kevin came.
Kevin tries to come every month, but that doesn't always work out well. We talked for hours! I wish that we could do that more often because it was really nice being able to have a whole conversation with someone that is actively participating. People tend to stop talking to me half way through the conversation. After we had our visit, I gave him a ride home. His car broke and he doesn't have the money to get a new one. It breaks my heart to hear about the situation that he's in. He lost his kid, doesn't have a car, and has a minimum wage job. I wish that there was something I could do to help him out. If I become as successful as I plan to be, I'll do whatever I can to help him. He plans on going back to New Hampshire in five to ten years. That's what he calls home. It's the last place that we were all together, dad was still alive, and we were happy. Things just went downhill from there.
The past few days have been pretty crappy. I don't know if it's because I was cranky from lack of sleep, if I was being overly sensitive, or if everyone was being mean to me, but the only time I was happy was when I was with Kevin. No one has said anything nice to me, I haven't been super nice either, and everyone has been cranky. Pops recently lost his job so he has an excuse, but it all seems a little extreme.
When everyone is cranky, it makes me excited to go away. If the topic comes up, they say that they'll miss me and it will be hard for them, and that makes me sad to leave. It's when I feel most loved. Then they make the conversation about Emily coming back to Maine to live and I'm like, "I'm excited to leave now. I can't stand her." We used to get along, but not anymore. Her last visit didn't go so well between us. She was extra mean and I don't want to be around that. She's coming back sometime after I leave.
With my emotions changing from excitement to nervousness to vague regret of my decision, I'm not sure if I'm really ready to go. I've never been on my own. I've been treated like a child my whole life and now I'm becoming an adult really quickly. I may have been a responsible child but I was still a child. I don't know how I should feel.
Everything will work out okay so I guess that it's pointless to worry about it, but I don't think that I can. I was born to worry. Hope things will be good for me while I'm becoming an adult. Just Saying.
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